Things I Wish I Had Done Differently Raising Our Babies (2/5 in First 4 Months Series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.

Things I wish we would have done differently:

With Hartly, I wish I would not have been so hard on myself.  

I had a traumatic birth with him that left my body broken and depleted.  I wish we would have known that was not normal and I would have gotten help sooner. I wish I would have taken care of myself the first few months, after his birth, resting and healing.  Hopefully this will not be an issue for most people (although, with most birth mothers, it does take a minimum of 6 weeks to heal and start feeling normal again, so go easy on yourself). 

Do not worry about fitting into your old jeans the first few months. Need I say more.  This should be obvious, but for many woman it is not.  In many ways I feel like my injury was a blessing in discuss... err... that may be going too far.  Let's just say I feel like I found the silver lining in my chronic pain.  I worked out 8 times a week (easily) before I got pregnant with Hartly.  I continued, at much more reasonable pace, much of my pregnancy.  I was a workout junky. I was fully intending and planning on being right back in the gym/running/dancing/fighting weeks after birth.  At one point I went to a chiropractor a few weeks post birth because I couldn't feel my left leg and was in constant pain.  He told me the dreaded news that it would likely be 4-6 weeks before I was healed.  I nearly had a panic attack at this!... 3 years later and I have only just began jogging again a few weeks ago.  And I still do physical therapy for my injury.  At the time 4-6 weeks seemed like a life sentence.  Little did I know.  But I got to really be with Hartly.  I couldn't go to Krav.  I couldn't go for a run.  It was, literally, impossible.  So a lot of the time I know I would have spent back in the gym, attempting to recapture my strength and physique, was spent enjoying my sweet baby. And, as everyone has heard (but wait until you experience it), it goes really, really fast.  Especially the first two years.  Every day brings a new miracle/trick/milestone.  You blink and you miss it.  I am thankful for that part of it.  That is not to say anything against a new Mama catching a break for themselves to go get their sweat on.  I just know my personality and I think, in many ways it was good for me.  Screw the jeans! Seriously. You just made a person!!

Sleep when baby sleeps is great advice with the first one (does not work quite as well with second one).  In retrospect, I wish I would have done that more with Hartly.  I felt guilty sleeping so much.  Now I know that is nuts. If you give birth, especially (but with adoptive parents too), it is exhausting (physically, emotionally and mentally) having this new tiny person enter your world.  SLEEP whenever you can! And, (which we, thankfully, did do) sleep with baby (Some say co-sleeping is dangerous, Dr. Oz Co-slept with his kids. Do not co-sleep if you are overweight or have been drinking, or are a smoker, for obvious reasons. But more about co-sleeping in future blog...) 

Nothing better

Papi and baby

Not impossible, but rare with second baby (unless you pass out from exhaustion)

A word about Breastfeeding - oh breastfeeding.  Again, someone mentioned something to me before Hart's birth that I rolled my eyes at, but later clung to like a life raft.  One of my kid's (at school when I was teaching) dad's warned me about the breastfeeding Nazis. I had done the research.  I knew breast was best and by God, come fire, come hell, I was going to breastfeed my boy.  I didn't want the fear of him getting cancer at age 35 because I hadn't breastfed him.  We were going to bond and nursing was going to be amazing.  And it can be and is for a lot of women... just as pregnancy and birth can and often is for most women, it was not to be so with me...  I believe, now, this was due to the fact that I was so injured and hurt that I had nothing, physically and nutritiously left to give Hart after he was born... but I tried, tried, tried.... 5 lactation specialists, 2 breastfeeding centers, nipple guards, ointments, special baths and compresses, boxes of teas and tonics and food changes and even light laser therapy on my breasts, Thrush the whole time (google it), 3 different breast pumps and one case of mastitis (google it) later...  I finally threw in the towel.  And I cried and cried and felt like a major failure.  If I knew then, what I know now. I would have tried for a week or two and then I would have contacted my local branches of donor moms: Eats on Feets: and Human Milk for Human Babies:  These groups are awesome resources. Tayo will be 6 months in two days and, except for his first two days of life when he was in the hospital and they required him to have formula, he has been 100% breastmilk fed all due to the awesomeness and generosity of amazing mother's who donate.  If I had known about this when I had Hartly, I absolutely would have stopped much sooner and gotten donated breastmilk for him.  If nursing works, that is awesome, but if it doesn't, do not feel bad and understand you can still give your baby the very best without beating yourself up.

Walk in Memory of one of Tayo's Milk Sister who passed and her Mom pumped for us for 3 months!

Do not underestimate how much you mean to your baby - your voice, your touch, your eye contact, your smell, your swaying, you songs and shushes... biological or not, you are what baby needs most.

Do what feels right to you!  For every decision you make on every single thing for your baby (products, breastfeeding, diapers, co-sleeping or not, circumcision or not, hospital or not, drugs or not, sleep schedule or no schedule...) there will be a group of people that feel the complete opposite... and strongly... with evidence of why what you are doing will ruin your child forever. Please, I implore you to strike a healthy balance.  It is not good to be so closed minded that you are rigid, inflexible and will never change your mind on any choice.  On the flip side, when you do make a decision, and you are happy and feel that it is working for you, family and baby, be okay with that decision and do not feel guilty or like a bad parent. I love listening to what others do and what works for them.  I read a ton. I research a bunch.  And then I take what works and feels authentic and good to me and I leave the rest. I don't always pick right the first time. And what worked for Hartly, doesn't always work for Tayo. And I have my guilt moments for sure.  But they are much fewer and further apart this second time around because I know that I love my boys and do whatever I think is best for them.

For Tayo specifically ... it is still early so I am sure hindsight will come later.  I will say this though - although I am not sure how I would handle it differently the next go around, I'm hoping I will be less on the attack.  Adoption is a very sensitive area and there is so much unknown and incorrectly presumed about it in the general public.  Once Frank and I started versing ourself on the topic and going to seminars, reading books and speaking with Birth Parents, Adoptive parents and birth children with adoptive siblings and adoptive children... our eyes were forever changed. I am, through and through a Mama.  And I was (and honestly speaking I am sure I still am and always will be to some extent) just so scared of people saying things that would hurt my children.  I am not scared of mean, bad people saying stuff that is nasty... it is sweet, kind people using an unintentional phrase or asking an unintentionally emotionally harmful question that scares me. I am not, by nature, a confrontational person and I hate upsetting or hurting people's feelings or making them feel bad or uncomfortable (especially when I know that what was said was an innocent mistake).  I just want so badly both of my boys to always know and feel 100% loved and protected.  This is just impossible.  But it doesn't change my desire to protect and shield them for as long as I can.  I discuss this more in depth in another blog post titled Tayo.  And I have edited and re-edited this post many times.  I still haven't gotten that perfect balance.  I worry about being too lackadaisical and not defensive enough of my children and speaking their truth... or being too aggressive and offensive in my explanations and worries.  Currently it is still too Mother-Bear strong.  So, I would hope next time around (and in the future with Tayo), I am able to strike a better balance.

Top Things to Prepare for When You are Expecting (1/5 in First 4 Months Series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.

Top things to prepare for when you are expecting:

Every pregnancy is different.  Some people thrive pregnant, others, like myself, are not good at it at all.  I was in pain the whole time.  I wish I would have been blissed-out the way my mother describes how she felt all four times she was pregnant.  I was not.  I LOVED feeling Hartly move inside of me.  Other than that, I just hurt. With Tayo, pregnancy was a lot smoother for me, lol.  But, I did miss feeling him grow inside of me.  Preparation, for obvious reasons, was different for both.

Regardless of whether you love being pregnant or not, there are certain things you can do for you and baby while pregnant. Things that felt right to me when I was pregnant may be viewed as extreme by others.  As always, do what feels right to you.  

Sleep: You are growing a baby - sleep, sleep, sleep.  Not because of what (I find annoying) people say about, 'sleep now because you won't for the next 5 years (totally untrue, after first 3 months, by the way - more on that in another post), but sleep because you are growing a whole person... from scratch.  You need your rest.  Do not feel bad about it.  In fact, feel bad if you don't rest/sleep when you are tired.  The best thing for you and baby is sleep and rest.

Miracle in progress - Both my boys in utero

Food: For me, I cut out all caffeine, alcohol and non-natural sugars.  I tried to eat well, but was not super restrictive beyond cutting out the above.  I was also vegetarian (now vegan) at the time.  I was seeing a nutritionist to make sure that all my levels were good and baby was getting what he needed. Moderation is key.  Do not restrict but do not overindulge.  It is not good for the baby and certainly will be something you regret later, after baby is born.  True you are eating for two but one of the two is, for most of the pregnancy, under 4 lbs.  You do not need that much extra food.  I found I just ate more often, but not too much more total. 

Extracurricular:  I worked out the whole time I was pregnant.  I would caution against starting anything new (unless it is just walking, which, honestly, is the healthiest thing one can do for anyway) but keep doing a modified version of what you were already doing when you got pregnant.  For me I was in an intense martial arts Krav Maga program at the time.  This is usually a partner sport with lots of physical impact and bruising is the norm.  I chose to continue but I just did the same stuff with a punching bag, instead of a partner.

Krav Maga at 5 months pregnant

chemicals:  Again, this was what made Frank and me comfortable but everyone is different.  I did not step foot into a nail salon or get my hair colored while pregnant.  I avoided people who were smoking and I went out of my way to not use chemicals or cleaning products. I also took no medications (even when I got sick a couple of times - I was a school teacher when pregnant with Hartly and exposed to little kids' germs daily) but chose home remedies instead.  I avoided people who were sick and I washed my hands a lot.

Talking to baby:  Frank and I constantly touched and spoke to my belly.  We told him we loved him and we couldn't wait until he was in our arms. And we continue to talk to our children.  Please, I implore you, look in your babies' eyes and talk to them - from day one.  They understand WAY more than people think and they learn the value of eye contact.

Products:  We knew that we wanted to co-sleep for the first few months.  We really didn't buy too many products ahead of time.  We had the nursery painted (when I wasn't home) and I had a glider, a crib, and a dresser... I will get into products a little later in more detail but I would remind you, at the start, baby really does not need much the first 3-4 months, except you. 

Remember: A baby will rock and shake and turn your world upside down.  It is the most indescribable and incredible miracle and life changer ever.  Will it be hard, absolutely.  Will it be mind blowing awesome, even more so.  Keep in mind that it is also what you make of it.  Frank and I did not stop traveling, we just modified our travels.  We did not stop going out.  We did not stop sleeping.  We did not stop being intimate.  We did not stop seeing our friends.  Find what is important to you and you can keep all of those things, albeit it a little modified.

Fears: I was (I don't think Frank was) a little scared that Frank's and my relationship would slip through the cracks.  We know people's relationships who did after baby.  I believe, we fell more in love after Hartly was born (and again now with Tayo). 

3 loves of my life

With adoption:  Although Tayo didn't grow in my body, once we found out about him (probably long before as an idea, but specifically when we knew about him), he definitely grew in our hearts.  We told Hartly about him and kept a sticker chart count down sheet. We talked about Tayo...  We talked about Hartly and Tayo and what having a little baby would be like and discussed hypotheticals (what do you think a baby does? Can you play soccer with a baby? Can you pick him up? Who is going to take care of the baby?...ad naseaum).  We named Tayo and we bought little things for him.  I kept a journal, just like with Hartly.  

Every person and pregnancy will be different.  This was just a snapshot of ours...

If I had one wish...

If I had one wish...

If I had one wish it would be to be able to freeze moments in time and gently wrap them up to be opened and re-lived later in life.  I find myself, often these days, catching my breathe and being overwhelmed with emotion for my boys. Hartly is a month and a half shy of turning 3 years old.  Tayo just turned 4 months.  I continue to grow more and more in love with Frank with each passing year and each new addition to our family. Life right now is so vibrant and delicious.  

Taye lays on his back on the ground with me leaning over him, inches

Power Struggles Be Gone...

A comment I hear quite often is, "You are so lucky that your child is so well behaved". It's gotten me thinking a lot lately.  I've also had a number of moms ask me what my "trick" is...

A. he isn't always but, more importantly,
B. It has nothing to do with luck (or tricks) when he is.
And, maybe even more important than the more importantly is,
C. What does that even mean? What does it mean to be considered well behaved? (I feel like that is a whole other Blog in and of itself)

As a disclaimer: I hold no judgment on other parents and their methods. What works for one family may not fit right with another family. All my siblings have different parenting styles. My friends have their own strategies. I do not think ill of any of them. I just know what works for me and my family.

Hartly and I both work really hard at our relationship and in

Tayo

Before I even begin, If you read only one paragraph of this blog, read this one. We strongly believe that children understand far more than we give them credit for.  All too often I hear very grown up conversations in the presence of tiny ears.  I know with Hartly, whether he appears to be paying attention or not, he hears everything.  Oftentimes days after a conversation with another adult he will inquire about something that was said.  So... Please do not ask any of these questions in front of Tayo or Hartly.  There is nothing wrong with the word adoption.  It is not a bad word or a secret. I just do not need it to be the first word Tayo learns.  I do not need my 3 year old to overhear things that are inappropriate for him to hear.  Hartly knows Tayo grew in somebody else's body. Tayo will know he is adopted.  We just don't need grown up conversations going on in front of them. And, while Tayo was adopted, I do not want that to solely define him.

If you are a perspective Adoptive parent, there is no question that is off limits.  I only ask that none be asked in front of the boys.  I am happy to answer detail-oriented questions as well as emotional questions.  I'd love to help in any way I can.

Also understand please that I am a Mommy above all else.  I am extremely passionate about my children and family is number one.  I may come off as sounding harsh in this blog but it is more my passion and my protective nature that is oozing out.  I hope I am not too off-putting. I am just trying to be honest with no sugar coating.  So, let's begin... :)

I want people to FIRST comment on Tayo's smile or notice how it's incredible that when he hears Hartly's voice, even at 2 months, he starts looking for his big brother.  I want people to comment on  my baby carrier or ask if he is a good eater.  I want people to comment on how amazing his head control is (little man is wicked strong - at 9 weeks old he is already rolling over!) I want people to know, automatically, with the first glance that we are, absolutely and completely, a family.  But...

Obviously when you look at our family these days, we do look a little different than most families.

March 2013 (Hartly 2 1/2 years old Tayo 2 months)

I believe that 99.9%

BROTHERS (glimpse into first few weeks Tayo's life)

BROTHERS

Hartly and I are very close.  He is 2 1/2 and has spent the majority of everyday by my side.  Oh we have playdates and tumbling class.  Hartly has taken swimming lessons on and off since he was 6 months old.  Hartly is around his cousins and my friends and his neighborhood buddies often... But, for the most part, Hartly is attached to my hip, and has been, since birth.  Frank works from home and spends many afternoons going out to lunch with us.  Frank and Hartly go to a Parent-and-me Language class, at least, once a week.  The three of us have traveled together and spend loads of time together.

It is because of this that I was a smidge nervous about what bringing in another person into the mix would do to our little unit.  Frank and I always have known that we would have more than one child.  There was never a doubt. Still, change, even desired change, can be nerve-wracking.

When Frank and I were contacted about a "match" (adoption lingo for when a Birth Mother chooses your family to place her child), we were excited, hopeful, anxious, and nervous.  We weren't sure when to tell Hartly because there are extra elements involved when one decides to adopt... a whole other person that could change their mind at any time.  Plus there is that whole thing with the strangeness and relativity of time and how a toddler views it...

Did I mention Hartly and I are close?  We chat a lot.  We are both pretty verbal people and I am open and honest with him.  It works best for us. Hartly knew, before we were matched, that he would, one day, have a younger brother or sister.  He also has known for a while, that babies grow in ladies bodies.  In adition, he knew that his brother or sister would be growing in someone else's body, not mine.  Frank and I began our adoption process when Hartly was just 6 months old.  Hartly knows he grew in my body but that his brother or sister would not.  He accepted this and asked no further questions.

When we went to meet our future baby's birth mother, Hartly was there.  He saw that she was pregnant.  He asked about it.  I told him.  Forget Frank and me coming up with a plan of how or where or when.  Hartly asked, I told. The countdown began.

A sticker a day until Hart's baby brother's Due Date

So we talked about it.  A lot.  We discussed different scenarios of his birth and discussed that he would be our love and that he would come home to live with us forever.  We discussed what tiny babies do and he asked a million questions which I patiently answered.  Mostly he wanted to know when the baby could play with him and would the baby talk to him and when was he coming home.  He never inquired about the actual adoption part.  I told him that this baby was his brother.  He took that in as complete truth (which it absolutely is).  Hartly saw a sonogram and asked if that was his brother.  When we discussed the Birth Mother Hartly would say, "she is growing my baby brother in her belly.  When he is ready to come out, we will go get him and bring him home with us.".  As the day got closer I discussed more things about the baby needing me a lot and that sometimes it might be hard.  Hartly listened and nodded.  He then would ask if his brother could go to tumbling class with him.  When I bought new mittens home for Hartly, the first thing he asked was if I had also gotten mittens for his baby brother.  When we went shopping together and Hartly wanted a stuffed animal monkey and I said no because he already had one very similar to it, he immediately said, "but my baby brother does not have one.  Can we buy it for him?".  On Christmas morning when I walked in and asked him to guess what day it was, his response was, "the day my baby brother decided to be born?"...

On the morning our baby was born we got a call very early.  He was 3 weeks early so we were only half packed.  We scrambled to get everything together and then we woke up Hartly. Finally the day had arrived.  We, literally, bought our airplane tickets in the car on the way to the airport.

Hartly was woken up very early and minutes later in our car

When we landed, I kissed Hartly and I ran out of the plane and into a taxi straight to the airport.  Hartly and  Frank went to get our rental car and meet me there.  When they walked in, Tayo was in my arms.  Just like that, 3 became 4.

Moments after Tayo and I met for 1st time

Family of 4

Hartly approached Tayo with a big grin on his face and wanted to hold him right away.  Hartly wanted to feed him and kiss him and snuggle him and talk to him.  He was fascinated with this itty bitty creature that wiggled and squirmed and was his new baby brother.

Tayo had to stay in the hospital till Sunday afternoon.  Since he was so itty bitty he had borderline jaundice and low temperature (sweet little boy couldn't get warm) but all was in healthy zone by Sunday.  Before Sunday I spent many hours in Tayo's Birth Mother's room - holding him and feeding and changing him.  Poor Hartly and Frank spent ALL of Saturday and much of Sunday in bed at the hotel.  When Tayo decided to arrive both Hart and Frank were on the tail end of being sick... I guess all of the excitement and (good) stress caused their weakened immune systems to get full blown sick.  Hartly had 102 :(  They had to stay far away from Taye.  And, sadly, I had to stay away from them so as not to get sick myself or to pass on the germs.

From the hospital we headed to our friend's house.  She was letting us crash there (while she stayed at her boyfriend/my good friend's house) until our lawyers gave us the go ahead to travel with Tayo across state lines.  The first few days were rough with, basically, just me taking care of Tayo because of my two sickies... but once the worst of it passed, Hartly became attached to Tayo.  Everywhere Tayo went, Hartly followed.  At first I thought this was because he wanted to be close to me... nope.  If I put Tayo down and went to go sit with Hart, Hart would get up and move closer to Tayo.  If Tayo was in my arms, Hartly would ask for me to put him in his arms.  If Hartly was sitting next to Tayo but Tayo's head was facing other way, Hartly would move over to other side of Tayo or ask me to flip him around.  Hartly wanted to feed him and sing to him if he was crying.  Hartly wanted to put his face right up to Tayo's face.  I would overhear him whispering, "Baby brother, I love you" (a phrase I know hear, at least, 7 xs a day).  He even asked me to help him "share"/place his beloved trains all over Tayo because he thought Tayo would like them.  In the first two weeks of Tayo's life, spent in Louisiana, Hartly spent the majority of his day with Tayo or talking about Tayo.  He wanted Tayo to sleep in his room with him saying he would sing to him if he woke up crying.  Hartly loved his brother from the first moment he laid eyes on him.

in hospital feeding Tayo 1st time

feeding Taye in our Louisiana  "home"

Hartly often kisses Tayo on forehead when feeding him 

When recovering from being sick Hartly only allowed  to cuddle after showers

Hartly showered a lot

Nothing better than holding a baby, huh Hartly!?

Nose to nose

Checking out Tayo's tiny little fingers and chatting with him

taking a break from playing to come and pat Tayo 

Hartly pleased with his sharing his trains 

Hart asked me to put Tayo in his arms while he was playing on kindle

Finally we were given the go ahead to come home.  I thought maybe Hart's jealousy or some anger or resentment would appear once the realization that Tayo is ours forever settled in.  So far, he is still smitten.

Hartly drew a sunset for Tayo on our first day back 

loves holding Tayo

snuggling

First day back and Hartly asked if Tayo could share his bed with him

My sweet, sweet boys

Hartly takes breaks from playing to come check on and snuggle with Tayo often

I knew Frank and I would instantly love Tayo.  I never worried about that.  We fell in love with him from his first sonogram.  But I never expected Hart to be in love so completely, so fast.  Tayo is his baby brother and he adores him.  Hartly may miss having me all to himself but he does not blame Tayo.  It's still early in this game of life but no matter what is to pass, it blows my mind how deeply and unconditionally Hartly feels for his baby brother.  And even when others are holding Tayo, Hartly always goes over to kiss or snuggle his brother.

making sure Ba-Pa is doing a good job feeding his brother

see his arm draped over Tayo, constantly!

kissing Tayo's itty-bitty toes 

checking in with his brother while Jinky is giving cuddles

Lexi and hartly discussing how absolutely adorable Tayo is

Checking out Tayo while David holds him

Just caressing his little head while his buddy Iain gets a turn holding him

What is equally surprising and amazing is Tayo's love for Hartly so immediately.  Tayo may be itty bitty but my boy is no bump on a log.  Tayo knows Hartly's voice and will open his eyes more for Hart than for anyone else (my little man sleeps A LOT... except around 3am... but that is another blog).  When Tayo is fussy and Hartly sings to him, he doesn't always calm down but, more times than not, he does.  Tayo smiles more when Hartly is around and he coos for Hartly.  Seriously.  He literally says, "cooo" when Hartly is whispering or snuggling with him. Forget that Tayo is just shy of being one month, this little tiny soul knows who is brother is and he already adores him.

I know that there are disagreements, tears, and fights in their future with each other.  I am realistic that everyday won't be sunshine and rainbows.  I expect this.  It would be strange if it were otherwise.  But I also know that I have an amazing little family full of love, joy and amazing memories that will be made!  It's already begun...

Christmas - thoughts on Jesus & Santa Claus (to fib or not to fib)

My thoughts on Christmas and Santa Claus:  

First of all, we do not consider ourselves Christian.  I am not sure we consider ourselves as much of anything, honestly.  Frank grew up Catholic. I grew up in a Presbyterian household but, except for a few years when we went with our family friends a lot, I never grew up going to church or with much talk about the bible or Christianity from my parents.  Most of my friends in my school growing up were Jewish and much of my childhood I too wanted to be Jewish. My first real look at the Bible, Old and New, was in my English class in High School.  Around my Senior year of High School my mother started going to Tara Brach (http://imcw.org/), a well known (although not yet at the time) Buddhist teacher in the area.  I really enjoyed Tara's talks/teachings, although I was not into the meditation portion at the time... Buddhism felt right to me.  It wasn't an "us/them" or "right/wrong" mentality.  In fact, you can be a Christian Buddhist or a Muslim Buddhist or a Jewish Buddhist.  It is not a religion.  It is a philosophy.  It is a path or a way of life.  So that is a brief look at where I stand on religion (more detail for another blog).

The above being said, we do celebrate Christmas, which, at first glance, can seem quite hypocritical.