Favorite Resources for first 4 months (5/5 In First 4 months Series)

Favorite resources (for first 4 months):

Milk Donor Sites:

Eats on Feets: (http://www.eatsonfeets.org/) 
and 
Human Milk for Human Babies: (http://hm4hb.net/) 

Baby Center:

If you are not already signed up, sign up now: Baby Center http://www.babycenter.com/ This is a fun resource that sends weekly emails that tell you about the growth of your baby while pregnant and then sends weekly, short, emails after baby is born discussing what sort of things/milestones baby is likely to be doing or will be doing soon.  It is not my bible by any means but more a fun, keeping me in the loop as to what a typical 5 month and 3 week old baby is doing and gives fun hints and ideas for whatever age your baby is.

Once baby gets to be about 6 months or older, I have a lot of sites I follow for play ideas and activities and for good articles on raising children... But for the first 3 months, I only really used the above.

Best Baby Products for First 4 Months (4/5 in first 4 months series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.

PRODUCT MUST-HAVES for FIRST 4 MONTHS:

I highly recommend (Or, as Frank believes - it should be required issue at the hospital and everyone that we bug enough to watch it is either pissed they didn't watch it before the baby was born or pissed their doctor didn't require them to see it in the waiting room during one of the check ups, it is THAT good): The Happiest Baby on the block dvd.  It sells on Amazon for $14  or I think netflix has it as well and instant download on Amazon.  Watch it and then buy:

1.) a bunch of swaddles. Amazon sells packs of three  or you can buy other brands or cutesy ones from etsy or any baby story.  We happened to like the above brand.

me with Hart at a few weeks, Hartly with Taye at few weeks

Hartly LOVED being swaddled.  He was swaddled much of his first three months and even into the fourth before he outgrew his need.  It would instantly calm him down.  The snugger, the better.  The swaddle was a lifesaver for us with Hart.

Tayo, from really the beginning, liked to be sprawled out.  He was not a curl-in-a-ball newborn baby.  He was not that into swaddles.  The first month or two they were helpful occasionally but after 2 months we didn't use them on him anymore because they just weren't a comfort to him the way the were to Hart.

2.) Bops, pacis, nuky... whatever you call a pacifier, buy them.  There are a million different brands.  Babies tend to like the ones they are first exposed to.  Hartly liked Philips Avent BPA Free Soothie Pacifier

Tayo liked Mam 

Buy a bunch.  Babies like to suck.  They need to suck.

Caveat:  I have no problem with kids who want/like/need pacifiers for years.  I would have been fine with both my boys having their bops until they were done with them... except at the point where the bop became more or a burden than a help... At four months with Hartly and at 5 months with Tayo we got rid of bops.  Hartly got a stuffy nose with his first tooth arriving at 4 months and after a night of him waking every 30 minutes because his bop had come out, we got rid of them all.  24 hours later and he didn't need it at all anymore to sleep.  At 5 months Tayo still has yet to have his first tooth pop but a few weeks ago Tayo started having fun pulling his bop out but would get very frustrated, very fast that he couldn't always find it's way back into his mouth or he would drop it in the process, which led to a long night of crying.  Next morning, bops all gone.  Again, it was a rough 24 hours but he now sleeps much better. Every child is different.***

*** Tayo was without his bop for almost two months and he was okay without it but... he's way more oral than Hartly ever was and we decided to bring it back for him.  Every child is an individual and Tayo just seems to need to suck more and that is fine by us as long as it is more helpful than a hinderance.  It has been a few weeks now and it really helps soothe him.  He can sleep, and often does, without it.  But sometimes he wants it and that is great too.  

3.) Download the "Sleep Machine Lite" app now.  The free version is all you need because it is the white noise that you will be using.  With Hartly we tried different apps, the radio and tv white noise and even sound machines.  Nothing worked its magic but the perfect frequency/pitch/whatever-it-is-about-it-it-works Sleep Machine White Noise.  It is a Godsend for both Hart and Taye.

Frank with Hartly - notice bop and static in corner

4.) Baby Wearing!!  Baby wearing is the BEST!  I highly recommend it.  At the beginning, little ones want to be (and if they can be, it is what is best for them) held all the time. Here is a well recognized expert discussing the whys - Dr. Sears. 

Beyond that, we just know it to be true from experience.  

With Hartly, we never used a stroller.  In fact, recently, when Hartly was about 2 3/4 years old, he saw a child in a stroller when we were out and asked me what it was! We wore him all the time.  Not only does it help with snuggles and heartbeats and bonding but it also helps to be able to go anywhere and do anything with a baby that is getting physical and emotional love at the same time.  This helps a lot when it comes to skipping naps or being off of schedule.  It also helped a lot with Hartly (and will with Tayo in future too) when it came to traveling.  They are used to falling asleep snuggled into you.  It is amazing.  I wore Hartly until about a month or two before Tayo was born.  And I only stopped then because he didn't ask for it or need it anymore.  I still would strap him in the piggy back position if we were traveling or if we had an extra long day.  With Hartly we had family friends who bought us an Ergo.  As I've mentioned, we love/loved it!  I highly recommend them...

great for traveling (in Spain)

sleep on the go (in Spain)

When little feet get tired but there is more to see (in Spain)

traveling in Puerto Rico 

when you are in Puerto Rico and want to go out late but don't have a babysitter

When you don't make it back to hotel for nap (in Spain) 

...That being said, one "problem" with the Ergo was that, unless you have an insert (and Ergo does sell them, but they are thick and terrible for Summer born babies), newborns do not fit in them (Frank put a toilet paper roll at the bottom to prop him up).  In addition, while there are many ways to wear a baby in them, there is no option for babywearing in front with baby facing out.  Tons of hours of babywearing is good for your little one sleeping on you... but there will come a time when you want to wear baby and they are wide awake and they want to look out at the world, but they will still be too young to be in the backpack position...

With Tayo, we solved these problems by purchasing a Beco Gemini (ie, WE LIKE IT BETTER!)  It has most of the awesomeness of the Ergo, but the added benefit of fits littlier ones and is made so that baby can face out while in front.  The only downside we have found so far is that the clips are a little bit more annoying (with Ergo the waist clip can be taken off with one hand, with the Beco you have to have 2 hands, one for pushing a button in and the other for squeezing it open simultaneously, so if you had a 3rd hand you could hold the baby... not ideal, but you manage) 

when your niece has recital during naptime

who wants a big stroller at the museum! Plus Tayo wants to see too!

My party guy!

Nothing feels better than your little one snuggled up to you

Cooking dinner, finalizing a closing AND baby wearing!  That is one sexy Papi!

Buy one of these or any of the other awesome carriers out on the market.  People swear by the Sling  although, Frank and I could never quite figure ours out :/  Other people love, love, love the Moby Wrap. This was something we pondered for just a minute because it just seemed complicated and we are pretty lazy.  But try different ones out because everyone has their own preference. (Frank: Don't buy the baby bjorn that has no waist strap, it will KILL your back, we see people with that and we can feel the pain... no wonder they end up in the stroller.)

Even Hartly has a carrier like Papi

Baby Wearing! 

Favorite products:

What we have loved with both boys:

Diapers:

We used and loved GDiapers  with Hartly exclusively for the first three months.  We loved them.  We were very happy with them. Then we discovered a wet diaper was waking him up so we did GDiapers during the day and Pampers 12 hour overnight for bedtime. (Awesome!)

In newborn GDiapers 

sporting turquoise Gs

With Tayo we have used GDiapers some but I find myself mainly using Honest Diapers . They are plant based, biodegradable, hypoallergenic and completely organic! They are a comparable price to other diapers and easier than cloth.  You can buy them in stores or online.  They have fun and unique patterns and great customer service. We still use Pampers for 12 hour nightime.

Hartly's & my favorite pattern - strawberries

Tayo practicing crawling in his tough guy skull pattern 

Hartly & Tayo in his honest ankor diapers

Diaper Bags:
For Frank, I got a Diaper Dude Bag.  He loves it.  It is the only one he has needed, wanted, or used with Hartly over the last three years and, now, with Tayo.

carrying his Diaper Dude bag AND his little dude

I have a ton of Diaper bags, most of which are just oversized purses I love.  My favorite is from Skip Hop because it doesn't look like a diaper bag and I use it even if I am not with my boys.

This is what mine looks like

Bottles:

We went through a lot of different bottles before finding the right one for us.  We used/use,with Hartly and now with Tayo, Playtext Ventaire bottles.  They seem to (and, like I said, we went through a lot of trial and error with Hartly and even tried a few new ones with Tayo but always come back to this one) cause the least amount of bubbles and gas.

After a feeding Tayo was playing with his bottle when he fell fast asleep 

Bathtime:

With both boys we don't usually give them baths, but we take baths with them. Hartly didn't have a solo bath until he was two years old. Tayo has had a few with just Hartly (which is quite cute).  

It's an awesome bonding time and, for both my boys, when sick, teething or fussy, a bath almost always does the trick.  We use California Baby products, specifically the unscented shampoo and body wash.  All of their stuff is organic, green, safe, and not tested on animals.  We love them!

Baby Monitor:

With Hartly we used: Summer Infant monitor . It was okay but it broke a few times and the temperature indicator was never right and stressed me out...

For Tayo we are using: Levana.  It is much better.

I HIGHLY recommend a baby monitor!! 

Carseat: We have a few carseats but none that I would recommend.  In fact, I am in the middle of doing some research myself for new carseats.  I am all about backward facing.  So much of the time, as parents, we are so excited by milestones. We wait anxiously until we can post about our baby giggling or rolling over or standing or crawling.  This is all very understandable.  Watching your child grow and change and develop is a total miracle.  But... there are a few milestones that I completely ignore. One is the milestone when one is allowed to change their child from rear-facing to front facing. I (believe) it is legal at age one.  Hartly is 3 years old and still backwards.  Do the research.  A child rear facing is WAY more protected in a collision than a forward facing one.  It always kinda boggles my mind when parents tell me that they turned their child around because their baby didn't like looking backward. Ummm, Hartly probably would have loved facing forward at one year but his safety far outweighs his preference in this instance. Like everything else, it is a personal choice.

The Foonf looks amazing to me and I am very much considering buying, at least one.

Some statistics that just confirm my confidence in keeping my boys backward longer

Playmat/Activity gym:

You won't start using this until baby is around 10 weeks or so but they are awesome!  There are a plethora of choices and price ranges.  I believe we have a Tiny Love Brand.  Hart used and loved it and now it is Tayo's favorite place (aside from in our arms) to be.  It seems silly but they are so fun and so good.  I recommend one with cross over top part and one with a mirror for baby to see himself (most come with but they are often small, babies love looking at themselves so we added one similar to this mirror - which is meant for car but would work on playmat too) .  

even Hartly likes to play with Tayo in it

Tayo loves this playmat!

Here are a few options:

Tiny Love: or this one Fisher Price or this one Baby Einstein: 

Jimmy Jumper/Baby Jumpers:

This is another one that the baby will be closer to 3 months before you are able to use it, but has been awesome for us for the "witching hour" (Time period, usually in evenings with babies a few weeks old until, for us because we have 12 hour sleepers which means sometimes they have to stay up a little later, around 8 months old, when baby is fussiest ) We have two (one for upstairs, and one for downstairs... they are that awesome).  Both were hand-me-downs from siblings.  I do not think the brand matters.  I found this one online at Walmart and it looks very similar to ours

my boys

There are soooo many amazing and fun and expensive and geewiz products out there.  The above are our top of the list!

Controversial Things We Are Grateful We Did With Our Baby (3/5 in first 4 months series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.


Things I am so grateful I did: (all controversial)

Unmedicated/Natural Birth: Both of my boys were born with no drugs in their system. Again, no judgment on the majority who choose or need drugs to get through labor.  It just wasn't for me or (luckily) for Tayo's Birth Mother. And I am grateful that it worked out that way.  If I were to get pregnant again, I would still choose no medication.  We are stronger than we think we are. And it is amazing to be fully present for the birth of your child. Again, no judgment on those that choose differently.  I am just happy this is how I decided to go.

Limit shots at birth: Hartly was a homebirth so he had no shots. Tayo was a hospital birth and an adoption so, while he had no (which is standard in hospital births but we opted out) triple dye for umbilical cord, no hep B vaccine and no circumcision.  He did, however, due to it being an adoption, have a vitamin K and eye ointment. Our feelings are, the less, the better.  We happen to be very fortunate in that our Pediatrician is amazing and open minded and supportive.  She lets us know when she feels very strongly, but is also a firm believer in less is more.

No circumcision: We feel very strongly on this and know we are in the minority so, to keep it brief, we feel there is no medical reason for cutting off a piece of the body at birth. If more interested because you are debating the issue internally and trying to make an informed decision before baby is born, we would be more than happy to discuss it.  You should also Google the topic, as some liken it to binding feet or other baby m... ok I will stop. (that last bit was written by Frank).  Me again - Most importantly, do the research.  This is your baby.  Please don't just do stuff because it was done to you or because it is what has become routine or standard (or profitable) in hospitals and in the public.  Just because certain things were done to us and we ended up "okay" does not, for Frank and me at least, mean that is good enough for our children.  Once you are informed, if you find you disagree, by all means, do what feels right to you.

Co-sleeping: Many nay sayers, but again, no arguments that we felt were sound enough to outweigh the benefits.  If you are obese or smoke or get drunk, do not co-sleep with your baby.  Otherwise, there is no reason not to and a million reasons to, in our opinion.  Again, this is only if you want to.  Certainly, do not do it if it does not sound appealing to you. We loved it.  But, we also only did it the first 4 months.  Then, for us, sleep outweighed the benefits of co-sleeping (but first three months you need to be up a number of times for feeding anyway, so it works). 

With Hartly, for nightime sleeping, we did use a co-sleeper bumper (not in one pictured, ours was much smaller but they do not make it anymore) for a few weeks.  We quickly realized that we were not going to roll over on baby and took that away too.  He slept right in between us and it was awesome.  For us, we were not scared of hurting him.  If you are scared, my guess is don't do it or use an attachment to make you feel better (like this co-sleeper or the earlier one).  To us, the co-sleepers got in the way of snuggling and the good parts of co-sleeping.  With Tayo, we were not worried at all and from first night home he was in our arms in bed.  Let me tell you (and I know Frank agrees), there is nothing like the feel of your sleeping baby fast asleep against you.  It is pure bliss.

And, while we moved our boys into their own room and crib at four months, now that Hartly is older, he will occasionally sleep with us and it is awesome.  I will never say no to snuggles.  He only asks every once and awhile and I think it is great bonding and wonderful.  He especially wanted to the first few months with the arrival of Tayo.  Most nights, initially, Frank would take one of the boys and I would take the other and then we would switch.  Sometimes one of us would have both.  

With Hartly, Frank, Hart, and I all shared same bed.  Now, with baby number two, we slept in separate rooms, the first few months, so that one parent could get a good, uninterupted sleep (remember with number two, harder to sleep when baby sleeps during the day so nightime sleep is very important - refer to: Things I wish I had done differently raising our babies (2/6 in first 4 months series)) 

Hartly pretending to sleep with Tayo 

Papi & Taye

snuggles with Bitty  (so fun!)

co-sleeping with big one

crashed out on Papi

Mommy and her biggest

Mommy and her bitty

good snuggles

A favorite memory captured on my cell - Hart & Tayo & I were all sleeping together when Tayo woke up crying (around 4AM). Hartly rolled over, put his arm around Tayo and, Literally, shushed Tayo back to sleep.  He shushed and sweetly murmered, "It's okay baby. It's okay Tayo. ssshhhh... you're okay. Sssshhhhh Go to sleep baby. Sssshh".  Tayo fell back asleep and Hartly rolled over and went back to sleep. It was unbelievably sweet.

co-sleeping with both my boys

hazards of co-sleeping 

no schedule first three months: First three months our boys slept when they needed to, ate when they needed to, were held when they needed to be... Then we, slowly, did a loose schedule to help with the functioning of the family and to help baby have some consistency in his life.

Rough Schedule after 3 months: As strongly as we felt about no schedule for fourth trimester, I'm just as happy I did create a schedule, for both boys, after first three months.  It was much easier with Hartly because, as a stay-at-home Mama, I had nowhere to be but with him most days.  I could work around him.  With Tayo, we have similar schedule that Hartly had but Tayo often has to have one of his naps while being worn, rather than in his crib in his room.  I like having a strong foundation so that then I can decide where I can change it up and switch it around.  It is easier, I find, as strange as it may sound, to be flexible and make exceptions if you have a routine to start.  CAVEAT FOR SCHEDULE:  Frank and I heard, all too often, before we had babies that people couldn't come to parties because of nap schedules or that they couldn't go out because of babies bedtime... we decided we didn't want having a baby to mean that we had to miss all of the fun.  So, when there is a birthday party or event that we want to be a part of, we go and baby's schedule gets shooken up a little.  He misses nap or it's shorter or later than normal.  He often sleeps on us and not in his crib. And we might pay for it that night with a wake up that doesn't usually happen or he wakes up a smidge earlier, but we decided that was worth it to us.  We do, however, try not to have consecutive days in a row of exceptions when possible.

Around 9pm on our pontoon boat. See Tayo rubbing eyes? He fell asleep on me minutes after this photo and then  woke up 30 minutes later, on his own, to enjoy the fireworks.

Most recent example is The 4th of July.  We live on the water.  Our house is on a lake and we have a boat and our neighborhood does awesome fireworks that you can see perfectly from the middle of the lake... the start time is 9pm (meaning they usually start at 9:30) and go for a good 40 minutes... and then with back up of all boats clustered together, we get back to our house around 10:45pm.  Is this, normally, too late for a 3 year old and 6 month old? Absolutely.  Do we skip the fireworks out on the boat? Absolutely not!  This was Hartly's 4th 4th of July.  We went out when he was just 16 days old, 1 year old, 2 years old and this year as a 3 year old.  He has always loved them.  And this was Tayo's first year, and we couldn't have been happier.  Tayo fell asleep on me (Beco Gemini) for lots of little cat naps.  When he was awake, he was happy and social.  When he got tired, he reached for me and I tucked him inside the carrier and he happily dozed.  When the fireworks started, Tayo woke up and the look of awe on his face was priceless.  He tracked them from ground to air and was completely amazed and spellbound and not frightened at all.  About 30 minutes in, he got tired and I tucked him away again and he slept through the remaining 10-15 minutes worth.  Today he woke up a half hour later (Hartly woke 2 hours later than normal) and, while a little tired, they have been happy most of the day.  I will make sure that tonight and tomorrow are fairly chill and routine.  Life.  Is. Awesome.

Things I Wish I Had Done Differently Raising Our Babies (2/5 in First 4 Months Series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.

Things I wish we would have done differently:

With Hartly, I wish I would not have been so hard on myself.  

I had a traumatic birth with him that left my body broken and depleted.  I wish we would have known that was not normal and I would have gotten help sooner. I wish I would have taken care of myself the first few months, after his birth, resting and healing.  Hopefully this will not be an issue for most people (although, with most birth mothers, it does take a minimum of 6 weeks to heal and start feeling normal again, so go easy on yourself). 

Do not worry about fitting into your old jeans the first few months. Need I say more.  This should be obvious, but for many woman it is not.  In many ways I feel like my injury was a blessing in discuss... err... that may be going too far.  Let's just say I feel like I found the silver lining in my chronic pain.  I worked out 8 times a week (easily) before I got pregnant with Hartly.  I continued, at much more reasonable pace, much of my pregnancy.  I was a workout junky. I was fully intending and planning on being right back in the gym/running/dancing/fighting weeks after birth.  At one point I went to a chiropractor a few weeks post birth because I couldn't feel my left leg and was in constant pain.  He told me the dreaded news that it would likely be 4-6 weeks before I was healed.  I nearly had a panic attack at this!... 3 years later and I have only just began jogging again a few weeks ago.  And I still do physical therapy for my injury.  At the time 4-6 weeks seemed like a life sentence.  Little did I know.  But I got to really be with Hartly.  I couldn't go to Krav.  I couldn't go for a run.  It was, literally, impossible.  So a lot of the time I know I would have spent back in the gym, attempting to recapture my strength and physique, was spent enjoying my sweet baby. And, as everyone has heard (but wait until you experience it), it goes really, really fast.  Especially the first two years.  Every day brings a new miracle/trick/milestone.  You blink and you miss it.  I am thankful for that part of it.  That is not to say anything against a new Mama catching a break for themselves to go get their sweat on.  I just know my personality and I think, in many ways it was good for me.  Screw the jeans! Seriously. You just made a person!!

Sleep when baby sleeps is great advice with the first one (does not work quite as well with second one).  In retrospect, I wish I would have done that more with Hartly.  I felt guilty sleeping so much.  Now I know that is nuts. If you give birth, especially (but with adoptive parents too), it is exhausting (physically, emotionally and mentally) having this new tiny person enter your world.  SLEEP whenever you can! And, (which we, thankfully, did do) sleep with baby (Some say co-sleeping is dangerous, Dr. Oz Co-slept with his kids. Do not co-sleep if you are overweight or have been drinking, or are a smoker, for obvious reasons. But more about co-sleeping in future blog...) 

Nothing better

Papi and baby

Not impossible, but rare with second baby (unless you pass out from exhaustion)

A word about Breastfeeding - oh breastfeeding.  Again, someone mentioned something to me before Hart's birth that I rolled my eyes at, but later clung to like a life raft.  One of my kid's (at school when I was teaching) dad's warned me about the breastfeeding Nazis. I had done the research.  I knew breast was best and by God, come fire, come hell, I was going to breastfeed my boy.  I didn't want the fear of him getting cancer at age 35 because I hadn't breastfed him.  We were going to bond and nursing was going to be amazing.  And it can be and is for a lot of women... just as pregnancy and birth can and often is for most women, it was not to be so with me...  I believe, now, this was due to the fact that I was so injured and hurt that I had nothing, physically and nutritiously left to give Hart after he was born... but I tried, tried, tried.... 5 lactation specialists, 2 breastfeeding centers, nipple guards, ointments, special baths and compresses, boxes of teas and tonics and food changes and even light laser therapy on my breasts, Thrush the whole time (google it), 3 different breast pumps and one case of mastitis (google it) later...  I finally threw in the towel.  And I cried and cried and felt like a major failure.  If I knew then, what I know now. I would have tried for a week or two and then I would have contacted my local branches of donor moms: Eats on Feets: and Human Milk for Human Babies:  These groups are awesome resources. Tayo will be 6 months in two days and, except for his first two days of life when he was in the hospital and they required him to have formula, he has been 100% breastmilk fed all due to the awesomeness and generosity of amazing mother's who donate.  If I had known about this when I had Hartly, I absolutely would have stopped much sooner and gotten donated breastmilk for him.  If nursing works, that is awesome, but if it doesn't, do not feel bad and understand you can still give your baby the very best without beating yourself up.

Walk in Memory of one of Tayo's Milk Sister who passed and her Mom pumped for us for 3 months!

Do not underestimate how much you mean to your baby - your voice, your touch, your eye contact, your smell, your swaying, you songs and shushes... biological or not, you are what baby needs most.

Do what feels right to you!  For every decision you make on every single thing for your baby (products, breastfeeding, diapers, co-sleeping or not, circumcision or not, hospital or not, drugs or not, sleep schedule or no schedule...) there will be a group of people that feel the complete opposite... and strongly... with evidence of why what you are doing will ruin your child forever. Please, I implore you to strike a healthy balance.  It is not good to be so closed minded that you are rigid, inflexible and will never change your mind on any choice.  On the flip side, when you do make a decision, and you are happy and feel that it is working for you, family and baby, be okay with that decision and do not feel guilty or like a bad parent. I love listening to what others do and what works for them.  I read a ton. I research a bunch.  And then I take what works and feels authentic and good to me and I leave the rest. I don't always pick right the first time. And what worked for Hartly, doesn't always work for Tayo. And I have my guilt moments for sure.  But they are much fewer and further apart this second time around because I know that I love my boys and do whatever I think is best for them.

For Tayo specifically ... it is still early so I am sure hindsight will come later.  I will say this though - although I am not sure how I would handle it differently the next go around, I'm hoping I will be less on the attack.  Adoption is a very sensitive area and there is so much unknown and incorrectly presumed about it in the general public.  Once Frank and I started versing ourself on the topic and going to seminars, reading books and speaking with Birth Parents, Adoptive parents and birth children with adoptive siblings and adoptive children... our eyes were forever changed. I am, through and through a Mama.  And I was (and honestly speaking I am sure I still am and always will be to some extent) just so scared of people saying things that would hurt my children.  I am not scared of mean, bad people saying stuff that is nasty... it is sweet, kind people using an unintentional phrase or asking an unintentionally emotionally harmful question that scares me. I am not, by nature, a confrontational person and I hate upsetting or hurting people's feelings or making them feel bad or uncomfortable (especially when I know that what was said was an innocent mistake).  I just want so badly both of my boys to always know and feel 100% loved and protected.  This is just impossible.  But it doesn't change my desire to protect and shield them for as long as I can.  I discuss this more in depth in another blog post titled Tayo.  And I have edited and re-edited this post many times.  I still haven't gotten that perfect balance.  I worry about being too lackadaisical and not defensive enough of my children and speaking their truth... or being too aggressive and offensive in my explanations and worries.  Currently it is still too Mother-Bear strong.  So, I would hope next time around (and in the future with Tayo), I am able to strike a better balance.

Top Things to Prepare for When You are Expecting (1/5 in First 4 Months Series)

As always, these blogs are just about me and my family and what worked for us. I'm not so naive as to believe that everything we do is right or if you do differently than us, it is wrong.  All families and children are different.  I do not judge you or anyone else negatively if and when you choose different routes with your children.

Top things to prepare for when you are expecting:

Every pregnancy is different.  Some people thrive pregnant, others, like myself, are not good at it at all.  I was in pain the whole time.  I wish I would have been blissed-out the way my mother describes how she felt all four times she was pregnant.  I was not.  I LOVED feeling Hartly move inside of me.  Other than that, I just hurt. With Tayo, pregnancy was a lot smoother for me, lol.  But, I did miss feeling him grow inside of me.  Preparation, for obvious reasons, was different for both.

Regardless of whether you love being pregnant or not, there are certain things you can do for you and baby while pregnant. Things that felt right to me when I was pregnant may be viewed as extreme by others.  As always, do what feels right to you.  

Sleep: You are growing a baby - sleep, sleep, sleep.  Not because of what (I find annoying) people say about, 'sleep now because you won't for the next 5 years (totally untrue, after first 3 months, by the way - more on that in another post), but sleep because you are growing a whole person... from scratch.  You need your rest.  Do not feel bad about it.  In fact, feel bad if you don't rest/sleep when you are tired.  The best thing for you and baby is sleep and rest.

Miracle in progress - Both my boys in utero

Food: For me, I cut out all caffeine, alcohol and non-natural sugars.  I tried to eat well, but was not super restrictive beyond cutting out the above.  I was also vegetarian (now vegan) at the time.  I was seeing a nutritionist to make sure that all my levels were good and baby was getting what he needed. Moderation is key.  Do not restrict but do not overindulge.  It is not good for the baby and certainly will be something you regret later, after baby is born.  True you are eating for two but one of the two is, for most of the pregnancy, under 4 lbs.  You do not need that much extra food.  I found I just ate more often, but not too much more total. 

Extracurricular:  I worked out the whole time I was pregnant.  I would caution against starting anything new (unless it is just walking, which, honestly, is the healthiest thing one can do for anyway) but keep doing a modified version of what you were already doing when you got pregnant.  For me I was in an intense martial arts Krav Maga program at the time.  This is usually a partner sport with lots of physical impact and bruising is the norm.  I chose to continue but I just did the same stuff with a punching bag, instead of a partner.

Krav Maga at 5 months pregnant

chemicals:  Again, this was what made Frank and me comfortable but everyone is different.  I did not step foot into a nail salon or get my hair colored while pregnant.  I avoided people who were smoking and I went out of my way to not use chemicals or cleaning products. I also took no medications (even when I got sick a couple of times - I was a school teacher when pregnant with Hartly and exposed to little kids' germs daily) but chose home remedies instead.  I avoided people who were sick and I washed my hands a lot.

Talking to baby:  Frank and I constantly touched and spoke to my belly.  We told him we loved him and we couldn't wait until he was in our arms. And we continue to talk to our children.  Please, I implore you, look in your babies' eyes and talk to them - from day one.  They understand WAY more than people think and they learn the value of eye contact.

Products:  We knew that we wanted to co-sleep for the first few months.  We really didn't buy too many products ahead of time.  We had the nursery painted (when I wasn't home) and I had a glider, a crib, and a dresser... I will get into products a little later in more detail but I would remind you, at the start, baby really does not need much the first 3-4 months, except you. 

Remember: A baby will rock and shake and turn your world upside down.  It is the most indescribable and incredible miracle and life changer ever.  Will it be hard, absolutely.  Will it be mind blowing awesome, even more so.  Keep in mind that it is also what you make of it.  Frank and I did not stop traveling, we just modified our travels.  We did not stop going out.  We did not stop sleeping.  We did not stop being intimate.  We did not stop seeing our friends.  Find what is important to you and you can keep all of those things, albeit it a little modified.

Fears: I was (I don't think Frank was) a little scared that Frank's and my relationship would slip through the cracks.  We know people's relationships who did after baby.  I believe, we fell more in love after Hartly was born (and again now with Tayo). 

3 loves of my life

With adoption:  Although Tayo didn't grow in my body, once we found out about him (probably long before as an idea, but specifically when we knew about him), he definitely grew in our hearts.  We told Hartly about him and kept a sticker chart count down sheet. We talked about Tayo...  We talked about Hartly and Tayo and what having a little baby would be like and discussed hypotheticals (what do you think a baby does? Can you play soccer with a baby? Can you pick him up? Who is going to take care of the baby?...ad naseaum).  We named Tayo and we bought little things for him.  I kept a journal, just like with Hartly.  

Every person and pregnancy will be different.  This was just a snapshot of ours...