If I had one wish...

If I had one wish...

If I had one wish it would be to be able to freeze moments in time and gently wrap them up to be opened and re-lived later in life.  I find myself, often these days, catching my breathe and being overwhelmed with emotion for my boys. Hartly is a month and a half shy of turning 3 years old.  Tayo just turned 4 months.  I continue to grow more and more in love with Frank with each passing year and each new addition to our family. Life right now is so vibrant and delicious.  

Taye lays on his back on the ground with me leaning over him, inches

Power Struggles Be Gone...

A comment I hear quite often is, "You are so lucky that your child is so well behaved". It's gotten me thinking a lot lately.  I've also had a number of moms ask me what my "trick" is...

A. he isn't always but, more importantly,
B. It has nothing to do with luck (or tricks) when he is.
And, maybe even more important than the more importantly is,
C. What does that even mean? What does it mean to be considered well behaved? (I feel like that is a whole other Blog in and of itself)

As a disclaimer: I hold no judgment on other parents and their methods. What works for one family may not fit right with another family. All my siblings have different parenting styles. My friends have their own strategies. I do not think ill of any of them. I just know what works for me and my family.

Hartly and I both work really hard at our relationship and in

Tayo

Before I even begin, If you read only one paragraph of this blog, read this one. We strongly believe that children understand far more than we give them credit for.  All too often I hear very grown up conversations in the presence of tiny ears.  I know with Hartly, whether he appears to be paying attention or not, he hears everything.  Oftentimes days after a conversation with another adult he will inquire about something that was said.  So... Please do not ask any of these questions in front of Tayo or Hartly.  There is nothing wrong with the word adoption.  It is not a bad word or a secret. I just do not need it to be the first word Tayo learns.  I do not need my 3 year old to overhear things that are inappropriate for him to hear.  Hartly knows Tayo grew in somebody else's body. Tayo will know he is adopted.  We just don't need grown up conversations going on in front of them. And, while Tayo was adopted, I do not want that to solely define him.

If you are a perspective Adoptive parent, there is no question that is off limits.  I only ask that none be asked in front of the boys.  I am happy to answer detail-oriented questions as well as emotional questions.  I'd love to help in any way I can.

Also understand please that I am a Mommy above all else.  I am extremely passionate about my children and family is number one.  I may come off as sounding harsh in this blog but it is more my passion and my protective nature that is oozing out.  I hope I am not too off-putting. I am just trying to be honest with no sugar coating.  So, let's begin... :)

I want people to FIRST comment on Tayo's smile or notice how it's incredible that when he hears Hartly's voice, even at 2 months, he starts looking for his big brother.  I want people to comment on  my baby carrier or ask if he is a good eater.  I want people to comment on how amazing his head control is (little man is wicked strong - at 9 weeks old he is already rolling over!) I want people to know, automatically, with the first glance that we are, absolutely and completely, a family.  But...

Obviously when you look at our family these days, we do look a little different than most families.

March 2013 (Hartly 2 1/2 years old Tayo 2 months)

I believe that 99.9%

BROTHERS (glimpse into first few weeks Tayo's life)

BROTHERS

Hartly and I are very close.  He is 2 1/2 and has spent the majority of everyday by my side.  Oh we have playdates and tumbling class.  Hartly has taken swimming lessons on and off since he was 6 months old.  Hartly is around his cousins and my friends and his neighborhood buddies often... But, for the most part, Hartly is attached to my hip, and has been, since birth.  Frank works from home and spends many afternoons going out to lunch with us.  Frank and Hartly go to a Parent-and-me Language class, at least, once a week.  The three of us have traveled together and spend loads of time together.

It is because of this that I was a smidge nervous about what bringing in another person into the mix would do to our little unit.  Frank and I always have known that we would have more than one child.  There was never a doubt. Still, change, even desired change, can be nerve-wracking.

When Frank and I were contacted about a "match" (adoption lingo for when a Birth Mother chooses your family to place her child), we were excited, hopeful, anxious, and nervous.  We weren't sure when to tell Hartly because there are extra elements involved when one decides to adopt... a whole other person that could change their mind at any time.  Plus there is that whole thing with the strangeness and relativity of time and how a toddler views it...

Did I mention Hartly and I are close?  We chat a lot.  We are both pretty verbal people and I am open and honest with him.  It works best for us. Hartly knew, before we were matched, that he would, one day, have a younger brother or sister.  He also has known for a while, that babies grow in ladies bodies.  In adition, he knew that his brother or sister would be growing in someone else's body, not mine.  Frank and I began our adoption process when Hartly was just 6 months old.  Hartly knows he grew in my body but that his brother or sister would not.  He accepted this and asked no further questions.

When we went to meet our future baby's birth mother, Hartly was there.  He saw that she was pregnant.  He asked about it.  I told him.  Forget Frank and me coming up with a plan of how or where or when.  Hartly asked, I told. The countdown began.

A sticker a day until Hart's baby brother's Due Date

So we talked about it.  A lot.  We discussed different scenarios of his birth and discussed that he would be our love and that he would come home to live with us forever.  We discussed what tiny babies do and he asked a million questions which I patiently answered.  Mostly he wanted to know when the baby could play with him and would the baby talk to him and when was he coming home.  He never inquired about the actual adoption part.  I told him that this baby was his brother.  He took that in as complete truth (which it absolutely is).  Hartly saw a sonogram and asked if that was his brother.  When we discussed the Birth Mother Hartly would say, "she is growing my baby brother in her belly.  When he is ready to come out, we will go get him and bring him home with us.".  As the day got closer I discussed more things about the baby needing me a lot and that sometimes it might be hard.  Hartly listened and nodded.  He then would ask if his brother could go to tumbling class with him.  When I bought new mittens home for Hartly, the first thing he asked was if I had also gotten mittens for his baby brother.  When we went shopping together and Hartly wanted a stuffed animal monkey and I said no because he already had one very similar to it, he immediately said, "but my baby brother does not have one.  Can we buy it for him?".  On Christmas morning when I walked in and asked him to guess what day it was, his response was, "the day my baby brother decided to be born?"...

On the morning our baby was born we got a call very early.  He was 3 weeks early so we were only half packed.  We scrambled to get everything together and then we woke up Hartly. Finally the day had arrived.  We, literally, bought our airplane tickets in the car on the way to the airport.

Hartly was woken up very early and minutes later in our car

When we landed, I kissed Hartly and I ran out of the plane and into a taxi straight to the airport.  Hartly and  Frank went to get our rental car and meet me there.  When they walked in, Tayo was in my arms.  Just like that, 3 became 4.

Moments after Tayo and I met for 1st time

Family of 4

Hartly approached Tayo with a big grin on his face and wanted to hold him right away.  Hartly wanted to feed him and kiss him and snuggle him and talk to him.  He was fascinated with this itty bitty creature that wiggled and squirmed and was his new baby brother.

Tayo had to stay in the hospital till Sunday afternoon.  Since he was so itty bitty he had borderline jaundice and low temperature (sweet little boy couldn't get warm) but all was in healthy zone by Sunday.  Before Sunday I spent many hours in Tayo's Birth Mother's room - holding him and feeding and changing him.  Poor Hartly and Frank spent ALL of Saturday and much of Sunday in bed at the hotel.  When Tayo decided to arrive both Hart and Frank were on the tail end of being sick... I guess all of the excitement and (good) stress caused their weakened immune systems to get full blown sick.  Hartly had 102 :(  They had to stay far away from Taye.  And, sadly, I had to stay away from them so as not to get sick myself or to pass on the germs.

From the hospital we headed to our friend's house.  She was letting us crash there (while she stayed at her boyfriend/my good friend's house) until our lawyers gave us the go ahead to travel with Tayo across state lines.  The first few days were rough with, basically, just me taking care of Tayo because of my two sickies... but once the worst of it passed, Hartly became attached to Tayo.  Everywhere Tayo went, Hartly followed.  At first I thought this was because he wanted to be close to me... nope.  If I put Tayo down and went to go sit with Hart, Hart would get up and move closer to Tayo.  If Tayo was in my arms, Hartly would ask for me to put him in his arms.  If Hartly was sitting next to Tayo but Tayo's head was facing other way, Hartly would move over to other side of Tayo or ask me to flip him around.  Hartly wanted to feed him and sing to him if he was crying.  Hartly wanted to put his face right up to Tayo's face.  I would overhear him whispering, "Baby brother, I love you" (a phrase I know hear, at least, 7 xs a day).  He even asked me to help him "share"/place his beloved trains all over Tayo because he thought Tayo would like them.  In the first two weeks of Tayo's life, spent in Louisiana, Hartly spent the majority of his day with Tayo or talking about Tayo.  He wanted Tayo to sleep in his room with him saying he would sing to him if he woke up crying.  Hartly loved his brother from the first moment he laid eyes on him.

in hospital feeding Tayo 1st time

feeding Taye in our Louisiana  "home"

Hartly often kisses Tayo on forehead when feeding him 

When recovering from being sick Hartly only allowed  to cuddle after showers

Hartly showered a lot

Nothing better than holding a baby, huh Hartly!?

Nose to nose

Checking out Tayo's tiny little fingers and chatting with him

taking a break from playing to come and pat Tayo 

Hartly pleased with his sharing his trains 

Hart asked me to put Tayo in his arms while he was playing on kindle

Finally we were given the go ahead to come home.  I thought maybe Hart's jealousy or some anger or resentment would appear once the realization that Tayo is ours forever settled in.  So far, he is still smitten.

Hartly drew a sunset for Tayo on our first day back 

loves holding Tayo

snuggling

First day back and Hartly asked if Tayo could share his bed with him

My sweet, sweet boys

Hartly takes breaks from playing to come check on and snuggle with Tayo often

I knew Frank and I would instantly love Tayo.  I never worried about that.  We fell in love with him from his first sonogram.  But I never expected Hart to be in love so completely, so fast.  Tayo is his baby brother and he adores him.  Hartly may miss having me all to himself but he does not blame Tayo.  It's still early in this game of life but no matter what is to pass, it blows my mind how deeply and unconditionally Hartly feels for his baby brother.  And even when others are holding Tayo, Hartly always goes over to kiss or snuggle his brother.

making sure Ba-Pa is doing a good job feeding his brother

see his arm draped over Tayo, constantly!

kissing Tayo's itty-bitty toes 

checking in with his brother while Jinky is giving cuddles

Lexi and hartly discussing how absolutely adorable Tayo is

Checking out Tayo while David holds him

Just caressing his little head while his buddy Iain gets a turn holding him

What is equally surprising and amazing is Tayo's love for Hartly so immediately.  Tayo may be itty bitty but my boy is no bump on a log.  Tayo knows Hartly's voice and will open his eyes more for Hart than for anyone else (my little man sleeps A LOT... except around 3am... but that is another blog).  When Tayo is fussy and Hartly sings to him, he doesn't always calm down but, more times than not, he does.  Tayo smiles more when Hartly is around and he coos for Hartly.  Seriously.  He literally says, "cooo" when Hartly is whispering or snuggling with him. Forget that Tayo is just shy of being one month, this little tiny soul knows who is brother is and he already adores him.

I know that there are disagreements, tears, and fights in their future with each other.  I am realistic that everyday won't be sunshine and rainbows.  I expect this.  It would be strange if it were otherwise.  But I also know that I have an amazing little family full of love, joy and amazing memories that will be made!  It's already begun...

Christmas - thoughts on Jesus & Santa Claus (to fib or not to fib)

My thoughts on Christmas and Santa Claus:  

First of all, we do not consider ourselves Christian.  I am not sure we consider ourselves as much of anything, honestly.  Frank grew up Catholic. I grew up in a Presbyterian household but, except for a few years when we went with our family friends a lot, I never grew up going to church or with much talk about the bible or Christianity from my parents.  Most of my friends in my school growing up were Jewish and much of my childhood I too wanted to be Jewish. My first real look at the Bible, Old and New, was in my English class in High School.  Around my Senior year of High School my mother started going to Tara Brach (http://imcw.org/), a well known (although not yet at the time) Buddhist teacher in the area.  I really enjoyed Tara's talks/teachings, although I was not into the meditation portion at the time... Buddhism felt right to me.  It wasn't an "us/them" or "right/wrong" mentality.  In fact, you can be a Christian Buddhist or a Muslim Buddhist or a Jewish Buddhist.  It is not a religion.  It is a philosophy.  It is a path or a way of life.  So that is a brief look at where I stand on religion (more detail for another blog).

The above being said, we do celebrate Christmas, which, at first glance, can seem quite hypocritical.

30 Days of Thanks

30 days of Thanksgiving: 

Day # 1: I'm thankful for children, old souls & new souls, what's happened already &what is yet to pass. I'm thankful that when Hartly wants me to pick him up he says, "I need some up Mama". I'm also thankful for pistachios.

Day # 2: I'm thankful for husbands that let you sleep an extra 30 minutes some mornings. I'm thankful for very productive days. Mostly I'm thankful today for children NOT censoring themselves... Listening to song on radio about girl who wants guy back that was mean to her... Me: Hart, you are always going to be nice to girls, right? Hart: Yeah Mama. Don't touch their vaginas. Lol! I'm thankful for laughter!!

Day # 3:(I'm a few hours late bc of last part in this gratitude) I'm thankful for random acts if kindness, children's hysterical fits of laughter, date night, delicious vegan food and falling asleep in my husband's arms.

Hart in Langauge Star classes. Video practicing Chinese

(Post by Frank)

Hart (now 26 months) has been taking both Chinese and French at Language Stars  foreign language classes in Northern Virginia.

He has gone to maybe 7 classes in Chinese. He will frequently ask me to read the Chinese book. Also he picked up some words from some swim class friends that speak mainly Chinese. Nothing beats putting language in context.

I love that he can not only converse with kids that speak another language, but that he understands the concept of different languages.

I actually speak to him exclusively in Spanish at home. It isn't easy since I didn't grow up speaking much Spanish, even though my parents were both Cuban (long story).
And I ask that he respond in Spanish, because I have this fear that he will be one of those "well he understands it perfectly, but can't speak it well" kids, like I was.
So this video is a typical practice session we might do before going to bed. Minus the running around. We practice with me talking only in Spanish, asking him for the words in Chinese.

Don't be fooled, he acts differently when he knows he is on camera. Shy at times, more likely to freeze up, or run away. Trust me, Language Stars is much better at keeping him focused on the task versus daddy with a camera in his face.

Written by Frank