Tayo

Before I even begin, If you read only one paragraph of this blog, read this one. We strongly believe that children understand far more than we give them credit for.  All too often I hear very grown up conversations in the presence of tiny ears.  I know with Hartly, whether he appears to be paying attention or not, he hears everything.  Oftentimes days after a conversation with another adult he will inquire about something that was said.  So... Please do not ask any of these questions in front of Tayo or Hartly.  There is nothing wrong with the word adoption.  It is not a bad word or a secret. I just do not need it to be the first word Tayo learns.  I do not need my 3 year old to overhear things that are inappropriate for him to hear.  Hartly knows Tayo grew in somebody else's body. Tayo will know he is adopted.  We just don't need grown up conversations going on in front of them. And, while Tayo was adopted, I do not want that to solely define him.

If you are a perspective Adoptive parent, there is no question that is off limits.  I only ask that none be asked in front of the boys.  I am happy to answer detail-oriented questions as well as emotional questions.  I'd love to help in any way I can.

Also understand please that I am a Mommy above all else.  I am extremely passionate about my children and family is number one.  I may come off as sounding harsh in this blog but it is more my passion and my protective nature that is oozing out.  I hope I am not too off-putting. I am just trying to be honest with no sugar coating.  So, let's begin... :)

I want people to FIRST comment on Tayo's smile or notice how it's incredible that when he hears Hartly's voice, even at 2 months, he starts looking for his big brother.  I want people to comment on  my baby carrier or ask if he is a good eater.  I want people to comment on how amazing his head control is (little man is wicked strong - at 9 weeks old he is already rolling over!) I want people to know, automatically, with the first glance that we are, absolutely and completely, a family.  But...

Obviously when you look at our family these days, we do look a little different than most families.

March 2013 (Hartly 2 1/2 years old Tayo 2 months)

I believe that 99.9%

BROTHERS (glimpse into first few weeks Tayo's life)

BROTHERS

Hartly and I are very close.  He is 2 1/2 and has spent the majority of everyday by my side.  Oh we have playdates and tumbling class.  Hartly has taken swimming lessons on and off since he was 6 months old.  Hartly is around his cousins and my friends and his neighborhood buddies often... But, for the most part, Hartly is attached to my hip, and has been, since birth.  Frank works from home and spends many afternoons going out to lunch with us.  Frank and Hartly go to a Parent-and-me Language class, at least, once a week.  The three of us have traveled together and spend loads of time together.

It is because of this that I was a smidge nervous about what bringing in another person into the mix would do to our little unit.  Frank and I always have known that we would have more than one child.  There was never a doubt. Still, change, even desired change, can be nerve-wracking.

When Frank and I were contacted about a "match" (adoption lingo for when a Birth Mother chooses your family to place her child), we were excited, hopeful, anxious, and nervous.  We weren't sure when to tell Hartly because there are extra elements involved when one decides to adopt... a whole other person that could change their mind at any time.  Plus there is that whole thing with the strangeness and relativity of time and how a toddler views it...

Did I mention Hartly and I are close?  We chat a lot.  We are both pretty verbal people and I am open and honest with him.  It works best for us. Hartly knew, before we were matched, that he would, one day, have a younger brother or sister.  He also has known for a while, that babies grow in ladies bodies.  In adition, he knew that his brother or sister would be growing in someone else's body, not mine.  Frank and I began our adoption process when Hartly was just 6 months old.  Hartly knows he grew in my body but that his brother or sister would not.  He accepted this and asked no further questions.

When we went to meet our future baby's birth mother, Hartly was there.  He saw that she was pregnant.  He asked about it.  I told him.  Forget Frank and me coming up with a plan of how or where or when.  Hartly asked, I told. The countdown began.

A sticker a day until Hart's baby brother's Due Date

So we talked about it.  A lot.  We discussed different scenarios of his birth and discussed that he would be our love and that he would come home to live with us forever.  We discussed what tiny babies do and he asked a million questions which I patiently answered.  Mostly he wanted to know when the baby could play with him and would the baby talk to him and when was he coming home.  He never inquired about the actual adoption part.  I told him that this baby was his brother.  He took that in as complete truth (which it absolutely is).  Hartly saw a sonogram and asked if that was his brother.  When we discussed the Birth Mother Hartly would say, "she is growing my baby brother in her belly.  When he is ready to come out, we will go get him and bring him home with us.".  As the day got closer I discussed more things about the baby needing me a lot and that sometimes it might be hard.  Hartly listened and nodded.  He then would ask if his brother could go to tumbling class with him.  When I bought new mittens home for Hartly, the first thing he asked was if I had also gotten mittens for his baby brother.  When we went shopping together and Hartly wanted a stuffed animal monkey and I said no because he already had one very similar to it, he immediately said, "but my baby brother does not have one.  Can we buy it for him?".  On Christmas morning when I walked in and asked him to guess what day it was, his response was, "the day my baby brother decided to be born?"...

On the morning our baby was born we got a call very early.  He was 3 weeks early so we were only half packed.  We scrambled to get everything together and then we woke up Hartly. Finally the day had arrived.  We, literally, bought our airplane tickets in the car on the way to the airport.

Hartly was woken up very early and minutes later in our car

When we landed, I kissed Hartly and I ran out of the plane and into a taxi straight to the airport.  Hartly and  Frank went to get our rental car and meet me there.  When they walked in, Tayo was in my arms.  Just like that, 3 became 4.

Moments after Tayo and I met for 1st time

Family of 4

Hartly approached Tayo with a big grin on his face and wanted to hold him right away.  Hartly wanted to feed him and kiss him and snuggle him and talk to him.  He was fascinated with this itty bitty creature that wiggled and squirmed and was his new baby brother.

Tayo had to stay in the hospital till Sunday afternoon.  Since he was so itty bitty he had borderline jaundice and low temperature (sweet little boy couldn't get warm) but all was in healthy zone by Sunday.  Before Sunday I spent many hours in Tayo's Birth Mother's room - holding him and feeding and changing him.  Poor Hartly and Frank spent ALL of Saturday and much of Sunday in bed at the hotel.  When Tayo decided to arrive both Hart and Frank were on the tail end of being sick... I guess all of the excitement and (good) stress caused their weakened immune systems to get full blown sick.  Hartly had 102 :(  They had to stay far away from Taye.  And, sadly, I had to stay away from them so as not to get sick myself or to pass on the germs.

From the hospital we headed to our friend's house.  She was letting us crash there (while she stayed at her boyfriend/my good friend's house) until our lawyers gave us the go ahead to travel with Tayo across state lines.  The first few days were rough with, basically, just me taking care of Tayo because of my two sickies... but once the worst of it passed, Hartly became attached to Tayo.  Everywhere Tayo went, Hartly followed.  At first I thought this was because he wanted to be close to me... nope.  If I put Tayo down and went to go sit with Hart, Hart would get up and move closer to Tayo.  If Tayo was in my arms, Hartly would ask for me to put him in his arms.  If Hartly was sitting next to Tayo but Tayo's head was facing other way, Hartly would move over to other side of Tayo or ask me to flip him around.  Hartly wanted to feed him and sing to him if he was crying.  Hartly wanted to put his face right up to Tayo's face.  I would overhear him whispering, "Baby brother, I love you" (a phrase I know hear, at least, 7 xs a day).  He even asked me to help him "share"/place his beloved trains all over Tayo because he thought Tayo would like them.  In the first two weeks of Tayo's life, spent in Louisiana, Hartly spent the majority of his day with Tayo or talking about Tayo.  He wanted Tayo to sleep in his room with him saying he would sing to him if he woke up crying.  Hartly loved his brother from the first moment he laid eyes on him.

in hospital feeding Tayo 1st time

feeding Taye in our Louisiana  "home"

Hartly often kisses Tayo on forehead when feeding him 

When recovering from being sick Hartly only allowed  to cuddle after showers

Hartly showered a lot

Nothing better than holding a baby, huh Hartly!?

Nose to nose

Checking out Tayo's tiny little fingers and chatting with him

taking a break from playing to come and pat Tayo 

Hartly pleased with his sharing his trains 

Hart asked me to put Tayo in his arms while he was playing on kindle

Finally we were given the go ahead to come home.  I thought maybe Hart's jealousy or some anger or resentment would appear once the realization that Tayo is ours forever settled in.  So far, he is still smitten.

Hartly drew a sunset for Tayo on our first day back 

loves holding Tayo

snuggling

First day back and Hartly asked if Tayo could share his bed with him

My sweet, sweet boys

Hartly takes breaks from playing to come check on and snuggle with Tayo often

I knew Frank and I would instantly love Tayo.  I never worried about that.  We fell in love with him from his first sonogram.  But I never expected Hart to be in love so completely, so fast.  Tayo is his baby brother and he adores him.  Hartly may miss having me all to himself but he does not blame Tayo.  It's still early in this game of life but no matter what is to pass, it blows my mind how deeply and unconditionally Hartly feels for his baby brother.  And even when others are holding Tayo, Hartly always goes over to kiss or snuggle his brother.

making sure Ba-Pa is doing a good job feeding his brother

see his arm draped over Tayo, constantly!

kissing Tayo's itty-bitty toes 

checking in with his brother while Jinky is giving cuddles

Lexi and hartly discussing how absolutely adorable Tayo is

Checking out Tayo while David holds him

Just caressing his little head while his buddy Iain gets a turn holding him

What is equally surprising and amazing is Tayo's love for Hartly so immediately.  Tayo may be itty bitty but my boy is no bump on a log.  Tayo knows Hartly's voice and will open his eyes more for Hart than for anyone else (my little man sleeps A LOT... except around 3am... but that is another blog).  When Tayo is fussy and Hartly sings to him, he doesn't always calm down but, more times than not, he does.  Tayo smiles more when Hartly is around and he coos for Hartly.  Seriously.  He literally says, "cooo" when Hartly is whispering or snuggling with him. Forget that Tayo is just shy of being one month, this little tiny soul knows who is brother is and he already adores him.

I know that there are disagreements, tears, and fights in their future with each other.  I am realistic that everyday won't be sunshine and rainbows.  I expect this.  It would be strange if it were otherwise.  But I also know that I have an amazing little family full of love, joy and amazing memories that will be made!  It's already begun...

Christmas - thoughts on Jesus & Santa Claus (to fib or not to fib)

My thoughts on Christmas and Santa Claus:  

First of all, we do not consider ourselves Christian.  I am not sure we consider ourselves as much of anything, honestly.  Frank grew up Catholic. I grew up in a Presbyterian household but, except for a few years when we went with our family friends a lot, I never grew up going to church or with much talk about the bible or Christianity from my parents.  Most of my friends in my school growing up were Jewish and much of my childhood I too wanted to be Jewish. My first real look at the Bible, Old and New, was in my English class in High School.  Around my Senior year of High School my mother started going to Tara Brach (http://imcw.org/), a well known (although not yet at the time) Buddhist teacher in the area.  I really enjoyed Tara's talks/teachings, although I was not into the meditation portion at the time... Buddhism felt right to me.  It wasn't an "us/them" or "right/wrong" mentality.  In fact, you can be a Christian Buddhist or a Muslim Buddhist or a Jewish Buddhist.  It is not a religion.  It is a philosophy.  It is a path or a way of life.  So that is a brief look at where I stand on religion (more detail for another blog).

The above being said, we do celebrate Christmas, which, at first glance, can seem quite hypocritical.

30 Days of Thanks

30 days of Thanksgiving: 

Day # 1: I'm thankful for children, old souls & new souls, what's happened already &what is yet to pass. I'm thankful that when Hartly wants me to pick him up he says, "I need some up Mama". I'm also thankful for pistachios.

Day # 2: I'm thankful for husbands that let you sleep an extra 30 minutes some mornings. I'm thankful for very productive days. Mostly I'm thankful today for children NOT censoring themselves... Listening to song on radio about girl who wants guy back that was mean to her... Me: Hart, you are always going to be nice to girls, right? Hart: Yeah Mama. Don't touch their vaginas. Lol! I'm thankful for laughter!!

Day # 3:(I'm a few hours late bc of last part in this gratitude) I'm thankful for random acts if kindness, children's hysterical fits of laughter, date night, delicious vegan food and falling asleep in my husband's arms.

Hart in Langauge Star classes. Video practicing Chinese

(Post by Frank)

Hart (now 26 months) has been taking both Chinese and French at Language Stars  foreign language classes in Northern Virginia.

He has gone to maybe 7 classes in Chinese. He will frequently ask me to read the Chinese book. Also he picked up some words from some swim class friends that speak mainly Chinese. Nothing beats putting language in context.

I love that he can not only converse with kids that speak another language, but that he understands the concept of different languages.

I actually speak to him exclusively in Spanish at home. It isn't easy since I didn't grow up speaking much Spanish, even though my parents were both Cuban (long story).
And I ask that he respond in Spanish, because I have this fear that he will be one of those "well he understands it perfectly, but can't speak it well" kids, like I was.
So this video is a typical practice session we might do before going to bed. Minus the running around. We practice with me talking only in Spanish, asking him for the words in Chinese.

Don't be fooled, he acts differently when he knows he is on camera. Shy at times, more likely to freeze up, or run away. Trust me, Language Stars is much better at keeping him focused on the task versus daddy with a camera in his face.

Written by Frank

Thoughts and words to my baby as he a month shy of turning 2!!

My 23 month old naked baby playing at our beach in freezing water

I don't want to forget.  It is going by so fast.  Slow down already!!


You are a month shy of turning 2.  Two!  Can you believe it!?!  (you say that phrase... it is so cute... I am learning a lot about certain things I say because I hear them coming straight out of your mouth).  Where were you before you were here?  What was I doing?  I can't seem to remember.  It feels like ages ago and in a different world.  Oh how my heart soars with so many things you do and say.  I feel as though I could bust open at the seams and all that would pour out would be millions and trillions of tiny sparkly pieces that make up joyful mommy me.


Your list of words is no longer possible to keep.  You are full up to the brim with language.  You even say full sentences!  Almost every other phrase is, "name that Mommy" meaning you want to know what something is called.  Oh how I was never aware that there were so many things that had names before you toddled into my world.  And I am perplexed and embarrassed at how there are so many things which I have no idea what the proper name is.  You are not satisfied knowing that it is a plane, you want to know what all of the pieces of the plane are called.  Not only do you want to know the name of foods but you want to know the names of different parts of foods.  You are not satisfied that the shopping cart is just a shopping cart.  You have this need to know the name of the handle bar and seat and wheels and the material from which it is made.  In addition, you want to then know all of the names in Spanish... Chinese, French and don't forget German!  But we are not done yet.  You want to know every person's name - teachers, friends, family and people in the Starbucks and even in cars that pass us on the street, "Man name car Mommy?".  Once you learn their name you want to know their last name.  After all, you know your first, middle, and last name.  You know your family member's whole names.  Why not the barista at our coffee house?


You still demand and request and plead that we sing to you all the time.  You especially need songs for when you get an owey or when you are about to go to sleep.  But you also like to be sung to when you are on the potty, when you are about to eat, and for just about any activity.  And now you sing.  Oh man it is delicious and beyond adorable how cute it is when you sing!  And mostly you know the words but occasionally you get stuck and man do you say, "no mommy sing!" with an air of authority if I jump in to "save you".  Some of your favorite songs to sing are, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Ball Game, Rock uh bye baby, and your ABCs (below video Hartly is 22 months old).

One of Papi's and my favorite thing that happened recently is you created your 1st imaginary friend.


We were in your playroom (the one Mommy just converted from a guestroom to a PAHM room) and there are vehicle decals all over the walls.  You particularly like the red school bus sticker by your desk.  You point it out a lot.  Well, one day, you were pointing to it and just staring for a bit when you turned to me and said, "bus driver mommy?".  Through many back and forths it became clear that you were wondering where the bus driver was. You wanted to see him.  After all, in order for the bus to work, it needs a driver.  And you wanted your precious red bus on the wall to work.  I told you that I couldn't see him.  You said, "hiding?", and I smiled and agreed he must be hiding since we couldn't see him.  Then, before you knew it, you said, "Jose see him Mommy!" in an excited voice.  I said, "you see him?" and you excitedly shouted with glee, "YYYAHHH!!".  You then reached your plump little toddler hand out and touched the red bus making a scooping motion with your hand and said, "got him!" as you grabbed gently at "nothing" on the wall.  You brought him over in your little cupped hand and showed him to me.  You then looked up into my eyes and said, "name?  name bus driver mommy?"  I told you that I didn't know his name.  I asked you what you thought.  This is a hard one.  But you then said, "Captain".  And for the rest of the evening you carefully carried Captain, the red school bus driver, everywhere with you.


And what so amazed me was that you made him almost come alive in your hand for me.  You didn't forget about him.  When you put him down on the ground, you walked around him.  When you placed him to the side to get a toy or turn the page of a book, you would return to the exact spot you put him down.  In fact, once you put him in the book to get a closer look at a picture and then you turned the page but remembered right away, turned back, scooped him up and then continued forward in the book.  You even put him back in his school bus when it was dinnertime.  Half way out the door I told you Captain could come to dinner with you if you wanted and instead of just having him materialize in your hand, you stopped, went back into the room and scooped him out of the bus you had put him away in moments before.  When you went to climb onto your chair you had trouble because your hand was curled up in a half fist holding Captain.  I had to tell you to put him down so that you had two hands to climb.  It was so sweet and so real.


It has been a few days since this all occurred.  You have played with Captain a number of times since then.  He does not go everywhere with you and he can be forgotten for many hours.  But when you do decide to play with him, you continue to have that same careful and very real care of him.  It is incredible to behold.

You are still an amazing sleeper.  You go to bed at 8pm and, usually, wake up a little before 9am.  An "early" day means you wake at 8am.  When you are super lazy, like your mom and dad, you have been known to sleep till 10am (excluding the period of about 6-8 weeks after Puerto Rico from 18months-20 months when you were sleeping 8pm till noon the following day!!!).    Your naps are spotty.  Sometimes you crash out and sometimes you play nicely for a couple hours in your crib.  Occasionally you complain and knock or do your fake cry calling my name (always my name).  I go in and say, "What are you supposed to be doing?"  You reply, "sleeping".  I say, " you can play with toys or sleep but this is your time to be quiet by yourself in your room".  You say, "play mommy?" or something of the sort.  You try to get me to sing more.  Most days you talk to your animals or play hiding or humpty dumpty with them if you are not sleeping.


Mommy has made up many different types of hugs and kisses to try and coerce more snuggles from you.  We not only have regular pop kisses, eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses but we also have penguin kisses, fish kisses, choo-choo train kisses (you, much to my delight, made that one up recently) and doggy kisses.  In addition to regular hugs we have hand hugs, forehead hugs and cheek hugs.  I take all I can get.


You have not yet learned to jump, but that does not stop your desire or your continuing efforts.  It used to be (around 16 months when you first took on this challenge) you would stand still and try to become as tall as you could with your neck stretched obscenely long and your shoulders pushed way down, which exaggerated the effect.  You would strain, for many seconds, willing your head to pop right off... and that was your jump.  It then progressed to the above combined with tippy toes.  Now, at 23 months, you squat way low and then stand randomly and suddenly... all the while, your feet stay planted in the ground.  Keep trying kid :)  You will get it one of these days.

23 months old

Papi and you speak Spanish to each other.  You know that Mommy speaks English and Papi speaks spanish.  Your English vocabulary is much bigger but you still know a lot of Spanish.  You even, often, prefer daddy's Spanish nightime lullaby that he made up.  I love watching the two of you together.  i especially like when you all run in wide circles over and over downstairs, one of you chasing the other.  papi also does hallway running with you on nights that he puts you to sleep.  You all like to rough-house and tackle each other and you love being thrown up in the air and shouting in pure bliss.  You always say, "Mas! Mas Papi, porfavor" before you are even safely back in his arms.  It makes me so happy to watch you two together.  Don't be fooled though.  You often say, "no daddy.  Mommy."  "Mommy rock-rock"  "Mommy hold Jo Jo"  "Mommy do it"  "No Papi."  "Papi go"... you are in the middle of a Mommy obsession phase.  Like everything else, I try not to be too protective of daddy or sad for him.  I know it is just a phase and very normal.  When I am not around you all have a blast.  It is just that you often like me all to yourself.  I try to remind myself these days of adoring me over all others will soon enough be in the past and I hug you a little closer and breathe you in as much as I can.  There is nothing I enjoy better these days than my Hartly time.


"Buy it!" is another phrase you have learned.  I suppose it occured because you always wanted to open things in the cart before we left the store.  I had explained to you, a number of times, we had to finish shopping and buy it before we were allowed to open it.  One day, in annoyance and frustration, after I said, "we can't open that yet", you said exasperatedly, "BUY IT!".  Duh!  :)  Now when we try new foods at parties or see somebody else toy, you turn to me and request, "buy it mommy".  Man how it starts young.

You asked for this photo to be taken with Ba-Pa

You adore your Ba-Pa and Jinky.  It often surprises me.  Clearly, I adore my parents.  I love and appreciate and cherish them.  They were and are incredible parents.  I have been very fortunate in life, largely because I started life in the arms of two wonderful souls who have always given me unconditional love.  I expected you would love them as well.  I did not know just how deep this adoration and love of them would run.  I had no idea it would be so much so young.  You bring them up often and in conversations that I did not know they had a place in.  If a couple weeks have elapsed without you having seen them, you do your sad face and say, "play Ba-Pa-Jinky".  You miss them.  When you are around them you want to be in Jinky's arms and you climb into Ba-pa's lap.  You request that they read to you and play with you and "rock-rock" you before bed.  While you are, most of the day, attached to me and want nothing more than, "play mommy", I am all but forgotten when either of them are nearby.  When you get dressed and choose your tie, you mention Ba-Pa.  When you see the color orange, you mention Jinky.  When you come across a yellow bracelet from a waiter at Red Lobster from February (3 months ago), you mention Ba-Pa and Jinky, because they were there.  You love them!  Lucky for you, I know the feeling is mutual!   

wading in the cold April lake water with Jinky

Your hair is getting super long.  It is auburn with ringlets and so stinkin' adorable.  Many people are frustrated that I haven't cut it yet.  it is getting close to time.  Today you said, "Jose ponytail like Mommy, yeah".  I try very hard to allow you to be you, regardless society's comfort in gender roles and separation of the sexes.  But I feel like enough people already think you are a girl when you where jeans, sneakers and a blue t-shirt with a baseball cap.  I don't need to add to it with having my 2 year old son sport a ponytail.  Still, you like it long and that is how it shall stay for a just a little while longer.  

One of your many outfits that you chose 

You are very opinionated and you have definite likes and dislikes.  You lover your bow ties and your tie that is "like Ba-Pa".  You like to choose your own outfits although, truth be told, you would always choose being naked over wearing clothes.  Who wouldn't!?  It makes me smile.  Nothing cuter than your little toddler bum and your absolutely joy in being completely naked and just being. 


You are amazing at how you are so dependent and independent all at once.  You want me close but you want to do it yourself.  And you are a little climber.  I have to remind myself, many times a day, to "spot" you but not interfere.  You are extremely capable.  Part of the reason why is because I try to step back and not rush to your side at every stumble, frustration or obstacle.  I would never dream of putting you in harms way but I believe it can be just as dangerous to hover as it is for you to fall.  I want you to trust yourself and your own judgement.  I want these mistakes and steps taken now, when you are little and I am close by.  How will you know how far to risk going if you don't, occasionally, go too far.  I work very hard at not saying no often.  When I do say no, there is a good reason for it.  I find so many caretakers say no so often.  It has almost become a knee-jerk reaction.  All too often there is no good reason.  People say no to certain things because that is what everybody does and always has.  I try and stop and think of why I am about to say no before I say no.  For instance, you may absolutely climb up the slide at the playground... as long as there is no child at the top.  You want to be naked outside at the beach before there are lifeguards and clothing rules, yes you can.  You are 23 months.  Play in the lake and sand and get wet in your birthday suit.  Absolutely.  You want a braid in your hair like mommy, or a ponytail (contrary to earlier statements), yes you can.  Who cares, when you are 23 months old, if people think you are a girl!?  You want to take 2 baby dolls with you to the store, absolutely.  Why not?  You like to turn on light switches and push buttons and unlock doors - we bought you your own stepping stools to foster this.  You are mostly diaper-free (you take long naps and sleep long nights so you will have sleeptime diapers for awhile) and if you have an accident, you have an accident...

I have lost my focus, and so I shall end, for now, here.  If ever, when you are a teenager, and you wonder how we could possibly be your parents or feel that we don't love you or understand you, read this.  If, when you are an adult, and you wonder how we treated you as a  little toddler, read this.  If you have kids of your own and are feeling nostalgic, read this.  Know that you are a shining little soul that at, not even quite yet two years of age, bring magic into your mom and dad's hearts daily... hourly.  You are a true wonder, miracle and delight.  We love you.  Noses Hartly.  We can't wait to see what this next year of wonder with you will bring!!  

Noses

Splish, Splash - the awesomeness of David and ISR swim classes

Hartly & David 2012

My Background:  I am the youngest of four and I come from a swimming family.  By the time I was born, all of my older siblings were very good swimmers (My oldest brother, Tony, still has many national records from when he was a kid.  He placed at NCAA and missed Olympic Trials by 1/100th of a second (literally - this was before inhalers were allowed and he has exercise induced asthma... but that is another blog) and had a full swimming scholarship at Auburn, a Division 1 swim university. He currently is the Aquatic Director at The Lab School of Washington, DC.  My sister, Abby, was also an accomplished swimmer and received a swimming scholarship at Southern Illinois University, another Division 1 swim school.  She also met her husband, Tim, there.  He was the swim team captain her Freshmen year. Tim is currently a swim coach at Curl Burke, one of the leading swim clubs in the nation. And my other brother, Micheal, was also a great swimmer, although he chose to do other things once he got in High School.) It was only natural that I would be around water a lot from a young age.  

Having fun with Hart in ocean

Papi having fun in pool Hart

My mom recalls that when I was little she just played, played, played with me in the water.  She never put floaties on any of us (in fact, oftentimes, floaties can do more damage than good because it gives children a false sense of security and doesn't teach them at all what their body feels like naturally in water).  She said she just threw us around and delighted in our giggles and that we enjoyed the water.  I was put into swimming lessons when I was 4.  I don't ever remember not being able to swim.

The Barnetts 1978 (L-R Mike, Abby, Baby Carrie, Mom Jinky, Tony, Cat Stella, Dog Shirley, Dad Robert)

Frank and I live on the water.  Our backyard was a creek that later was man-made into a Lake.  We decided early on that Water Survival was very important to teach all of our children at a very young age.  There are so many drowning deaths a year of which many can be avoided with some skills given to babies early on.  These are accidents.  While we never intend on Hartly being near the water when we aren't around, this is why it is called an accident.  In addition, the lake is pitch black. We could be standing right next to him and see him fall in, dive in right after him and have trouble finding him and getting him to the surface in time.  Scary.  We decided to do some research on how to give Hartly the tools to help increase his chances of survival if an accident ever did/does occur.  By, "we did research", I mean FRANK!  This was important to both of us and both of us, luckily, have been able to attend almost every lesson.  ISR, Infant Survival Resource (click on ISR to get redirected to their website), made sense to us.  We contacted via email one of the local instructors, David Worrell (click on David's name to go to his page), and we liked him right away.  We signed Hart up and January 24th, 2011, at 7 months of age, he had his 1st lesson! 


I can't speak as an expert for ISR, but I can speak as an expert for our experience with Hartly and with our experience with David.  I truly believe in the ISR method but I think that the instructor is equally as important.
  
A little bit about our experience with ISR:
If you do not read about ISR or see any DVD or hear any explanations about the method it can be scary and seem quite horrible.  Almost all the little babies cry during their lessons. Many of them cry the whole entire time.  This is not a Mommy and me class.  It is not about being held and bounced around and being sung to in the water.  This is a 1:1 ten minute lesson everyday, 5 days a week, to teach your child what to do in case of an emergency.  This is a class that could save your child's life if, God forbid, there is ever an accident.  In a matter of months (depends on child and illnesses, teething etc), a small baby can and does learn how to roll over onto their back (in the majority of accidents where children fall into the water, they land face down) and they learn how to float for a number of minutes crying out (giving them time for an adult to come to their aid).  In fact the crying in class can actually be good and helpful.  The crying helps David know when they take a breath in to help in the teaching of them rolling/flipping onto their backs.  The crying is also helpful because in case of a real emergency, you are going to want your child to scream or cry out so you are alerted to them and their situation.


Another word about crying.  As a new mother or parent you learn within the first few weeks or months a lot about crying.  There are many different cries.  The cry that most babies do during ISR class is a complaining type cry.  Babies can't yet talk so crying is their way of communicating.  In class they are communicating that they really would rather not work their little bodies so hard.  It is a lot of hard physical and mental work to learn how to roll over in the water and to learn how to balance and float.  This is not easy.  But they are very capable.  And almost all of the children stop crying once David picks them up and gives them breaks snuggling in his arms... But that is about David...

David and Baby Hartly ~ 7 months old

A little bit about our experience with David:

reaching for David for class

David is truly gifted with children.  David grew up in a swimming family in St. Lucia where is family is quite well known for opening famous swim facilities and for coaching many top swimmers. He had a lot of swimming knowledge and experience before he even took ISR courses.  David has a very calm and temperament.  He is incredibly humble and while he is an expert at what he does, he will tell you he doesn't have a lot of background in child care.  This is hard to believe when you see him with the babies and children he works with.  As mentioned before, almost all the little ones cry during class.  Yet almost all of them smile when they first see David.  They often even reach for him when getting in the pool.    When he gives them break times they lean into him and when it is over they stop crying, usually, immediately.


David gives children a gift that many kids do not receive until they are much older, if ever.  He gives them the gift of believing in them.  David trusts them.  He knows they can do it.  Babies are very needy and very dependent on adults.  We do everything for them.  Mothers and Fathers stand watch and are often so nervous and fearful for their baby (quite normal).  Some parents get to the point where David has to ask them to leave (because the parent getting upset causes more stress on the baby).  I myself decided a couple times to excuse myself because I didn't want Hart to see me getting emotional (and David will tell you, Hart rarely cried and never too hard or for too long). But it is hard to watch your child upset.  And we, as parents aren't even confident in what our wee little ones can do.  David is, often I would guess, the first person that lets a child know that they are separate from us grown-ups and that they have skills to take care of themselves.  This is a gift that far exceeds the physical life-saving lesson of rolling or floating (because, hopefully, none of these kids will ever need to actually use what they are taught as far as in an emergency situation).

Happy Baby

This belief in the baby is something that will get hard-wired into a little ones growing brain and will stay with them indefinitely.  The first few years of life are so key in everything else thereafter.  To have an experience as a baby that something is really, really hard but that with a lot of work and someone by your side that believes in you and gives you appropriate tools to succeed, no matter how long it takes you, but you can do it, is awesome.  This lesson is one that can be conjured up, subconsciously or otherwise, the rest of this child's life.  The confidence that, even when things are extremely physically challenging and even when things seem terrible or hopeless, they can do it! How amazing is that!?  What a truly wonderful lesson to learn when you are so little.


How it works schedule-wise:
A baby can begin learning the rolling and floating sequence as young as 6 months.

learning how to float

This takes anywhere from 3-5 months before they usually are ready to "graduate".  This is a slow gradual process.  These are tiny little babies and there are often milestone interruptions (teething, crawling, standing, illnesses...) that may slow the process down.  In addition, it is NOT a 'just throw the baby in the water' class.  Many of the same exact things are repeated day in and day out, over and over again.  A lot of muscle memory and confidence is being built along with each new skill.  David makes sure that he does not introduce anything new on Mondays or Fridays.  He wants the child to start and end each week getting out of the pool feeling good and confident in the lesson that just occurred.  Graduation is pretty amazing and mind blowing.  The baby is in full clothes and, at this point, while the baby isn't thrown into the water, the instructor does try to reenact as realistically as possible, what could/would happen in case of an emergency.  The baby falls in from off the ledge and sinks halfway down into the water before they come to the surface, flip over and float.  David will somersault them in the air to disorient them (which, again, would happen in real emergency) and the child is able to get to the surface, roll over and float.  He moves the water around while they are floating so that they constantly have to readjust for the motion.  And the baby answers to each request and it is amazing to watch.  It makes your heart swell and your eyes fill up with tears because you see this gift you have given this child in case anything ever happens.  It is awesome.

Then, every few months for just a couple of weeks, there is a refresher of the rolling/floating sequence.

We had a refresher lesson in our lake last summer

Little babies grow a lot and fast and it is important to get back in the water every few months for them to adjust to the weight and body changes because they need to figure out how to adjust for balance.  Around 1 1/2 is when they can move onto phase 2: swim-flip onto back-float, float, float-flip onto front-swim-grab the wall/ladder/steps sequence.  This  is where the child learns to "swim" (it is more of a wiggle that propels them forward, form is not what is being worked on here) and then they learn after a few seconds to roll onto their back and float to catch their breath before flipping back over and continuing their swim/wiggle to the wall/steps/ladder/edge.  When they reach their destination they have to reach up and grab on and hold on until help arrives...  I don't know what comes after this or what "graduation" of this phase entails because we are currently in the middle of it...

Hartly's experience:
Hartly started ISR classes with David when he was 7 months old and he took about 4-5 months to graduate from phase one.  I believe he was around  11 or 12 months when he graduated (I don't recall exactly).  Hart was teething a lot during this time and when a baby is teething badly, swimming is halted (because ISR instructors are taught that teething takes a lot out of a child physically and that they need a lot of rest during this time and swim classes are counterproductive).  Also, Hartly was a rare case in that, initially, he didn't cry at all.  I think that this may have thrown David for a loop.  It was hard to know when to roll him and it is also important for a child to cry some because while they can float a long time, they can't float indefinitely.  The crying alerts people to a problem. Hartly never has never been a big cryer.  He cries.  He just doesn't cry a lot or often.


From Hart's 1st class at 7 months old until currently (he is 21 months), he has adored David.


Hart saw David everyday during the week from 7 months until almost a year, when he "graduated".  Then Hart had 2 refresher sessions, spaced a few months apart, that lasted just a few weeks.  Hart then went for almost 5 months without seeing David or being in the water at all.


In January we went to Puerto Rico to avoid the cold.  Hartly was hesitant at first with the water.  He was happy to wade in the baby pool but didn't want much to do with the big pool or ocean.  He was a little timid and I did not push or encourage him but let him watch and observe.  And I waited.  It was so hard but I just talked about what people were doing and discussed that it looked like fun.  I asked him if he wanted to try and when he said no I dropped it and didn't push him.  I had fun in the water and we watched other kids and people splashing around.  A few days in and Hartly decided he wanted to play in the water too.  I was so glad I hadn't tried to talk him into it because he came around in his own time.  I think if I had pushed it (which I was tempted because I love playing in the water), it would have only made him push back and he would not have had same internal pleasure and joy.

pure joy

By the end of our trip Hartly was madly in love with anything water.  He loved sitting in the sand and having the waves come up to him and pull him into the ocean - a little freaky to watch but also hysterical because he was so happy getting sucked into the waves.  He would roll around and be submerged under the water and       he would come up, hair full of sand and he would say "more! more!" laughing hysterically.  

enjoying the ocean

He wanted to go in the big pool and he would ask to be thrown or ask to go under.  He was also very good about never going near the water unless Frank or I was right with him  He was cautious but also adventurous.  And David's name came up a few times.  "Who taught you how to swim?", "David"... although I was not too confident he truly remembered who David was.  One day I did find an old photo from the summer with Hart and David and I asked Hartly who it was.  Without hesitating he said, with a huge grin, "David!".  We had a great time and played a lot in the water.  It was a wonderful trip!!  


NOTE: A few days into our trip in Puerto Rico, Hart fell face first while walking around in the baby pool.  I was an arms length away.  Before I could even react, his little arm shot up into the air and his whole big toddler self rolled over onto his back.  It was the coolest thing and an amazing example of muscle memory and how ingrained David's and the ISR Method truly is.  A few more times throughout our 5 weeks there, Hart tripped or went in the water over his head.  Each time I was there but each time he also, automatically, shot his little arm up behind him and flipped his body over onto his back.  I never tested if he was able to float.  I always picked him up right away because I didn't want to scare him or discourage him if he had not been able to float.  At any rate, while a couple of times this frightened him and he cried a little, a few other times he went right back to playing without missing a beat.  What was crazy fascinating to me was that here is a 19 month old who has not been in the water or had a lesson in over 5 months!! (one fourth his life) and his body reacted and remembered what he had been taught months before.  It was just so satisfying and cool to witness.


As soon as we returned from Puerto Rico we started right back in with the swimming.  As I mentioned, it had been months and I was a little nervous because Hart could now walk and talk and I did not know how he was going to react to being forced to work hard in the water everyday.  I braced myself the first day back...

Hart and David

Getting a high-five from David

There was no need to.  Although I can't imagine how, it seemed as though Hartly remembered David and when the first lesson was over, Hart was asking for more.  This is how it has been for the last 2 months.  Hartly wakes up in the morning and often the first word out of his mouth is, "David?".  Hart will randomly lie down on the ground with his arms out and legs straight and say, "floating. David.".  He will be sitting and start kicking his legs and say, "Swimming.  David."  Frank recently bought Hartly a chin up bar that we installed low and Hartly loves to hang on it(one of our best purchases ever!  Hartly is obsessed with hanging.  Nothing makes him happier than this hanging bar.).  He will say, "Reach up" when he grabs for it (because David says to him, reach up, for when Hart gets to the wall and has to hold on).  He thinks about David and about the lessons in the water he is learning. 


Most recently Hart wanted to make a painting for David.  He wanted it blue, like "blue pool" he swims in with David.  After his painting had dried and glitter and fish stickers had been added, I suggested we write something to David.  Hartly said, "Yes".  I wish I had recorded the following, but I remember it pretty well:


Me: "What do you want to say to David?"
Hartly:  "David."
Me: "We should put his name on the picture?"
Hartly:  "Yes."
Me:  "Ok. What else?  Do you want to thank him for teaching you how to swim?"
Hartly:  "Yes."
Me:  "Ok. Well, tell me what words I should write."
Hartly:  "Thank you."
Me:  "Ok.  Anything else?"
Hartly:  (thinking) Pause. Pause. Pause. "Love you!!!"
Me:  "You want me to write Love you to David?"
Hartly:  "Yes."
Me:  "Anything else?"
Hartly:  "Read it."
Me:  "You want me to read to you what I wrote?"
Hartly:  "Yes."
Me:  "David - Thank you. Love you.  Are you done or do you want to add more?
Hartly:  "More Thank you."
Me:  "You want me to write thank you again?"
Hartly:  "Yes."
Me:  "Ok.  Anything else?"
Hartly:  "Swimming."
Me:  "You want me to write swimming on it?"
Hartly:  "Yes.(pause)  Hartly."
Me:  "I should put your name on it so he knows who it is from?"
Hartly:  "Yes. (pause)  Read it."
Me:  "David - Thank you.  Love you. Thank you. Swimming. Hartly."

Hartly:  "All done."                                             
Hartly said it better than I ever could!      

Hart with painting, David coaching background

DAVID.    
    
THANK YOU.


LOVE YOU.


THANK YOU.


SWIMMING.


~HARTLY