My sweet baby girl. Mommy can't help but tear up as soon as I sit down to write this to you as your first full spin around the sun approaches. You are such magic and this family is made so much better with you in it.
Hartly put it best a few days after you were born. He said, "Mom, my whole life I have felt like something was missing. Since Tatiana, I don't feel that anymore." Truer words have never been spoken.
Lets begin before the beginning... I will start with my love for my Mother. Jinky, as she was affectionately called by all whom loved her, was an incredible soul. She loved huge and as a childhood friend once said to me about my relationship with my Mom, there was never a child who was adored as much as I was by my Mother. She was a kindred spirit and we were and are connected behind time and space. After my two boys, my heart ached for another child. This desire only grew after my Mother passed away in July of 2017.
Adoption is a strange, difficult and beautiful world full of so much. It is strange to wish for a child while knowing that if your wish is answered, that means that something went wrong in the world. What I mean by this is the natural order of the world is that children are able to stay with and grow up with their 1st Mothers. When adoption occurs, that means something has gone wrong with that natural order. Even when it is the 1st Mother's choice to place their child with another family to grow up in, it is the hardest choice any person ever has to make. Every Mother loves their child.
This being said, once your 1st Mother knew she needed to place you with another family to grow up in, through many different avenues, she found and chose us. But this only occurred weeks before your birth and I was convinced, like all the other "matches", this would not go through either.
May 16th - Frank had JUST left the house to take the boys to their Ninja Warrior class. I was on a Skype call doing some meditation work when minutes after the guys had left, they popped through the door saying, "The baby is here! The baby is here!" I honestly, was so confused. I got off my call right away and your Dad said, "I don't know much but I know she was born. I am not even positive it is a she." The day is a whirlwind in my memory but I know the following...
I started throwing things in half packed bags and literally found myself turning in circles a few different times, like a dog chasing his tail, excited and confused and not knowing what to do with myself. The boys were jumping off the walls, laughing hysterically and having no idea what to do as they asked a million questions a minute, none of which I was able to answer. Daddy was in the computer room multitasking - he continued to call and text the adoption lawyer while also trying to get us plane tickets. There is some rule about buying tickets within a certain number of minutes before take off, so while he was able to find and get tickets on the next airplane, by the time he pushed the button to complete the transaction, the computer kept bringing up an error notice saying we were too close to time of departure to purchase them.
Much like what occurred when Tayo was born, we just hopped in the car and zoomed straight for the airport hoping against the odds, somehow we would get there in time and be able to get on the flight to you (because the next flight was for the next day and none or us could imagine waiting). It was pouring (literally pouring, not drizzling, but bucketloads of water falling from the sky). When we got to the airport we had to drop Daddy off at the front to race inside and try to complete the purchase of the tickets within 45 min of the departure. Your brothers and I had to find long term parking in the pouring rain and the then 7 year old Hartly and 5 year old Tayo had to help Mommy gather all the bags and run through the rain and locate Daddy inside the airport!
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| Somehow we made it! |
By the time we touched down and got into a rental we knew this much: we knew you had been born the day before, May 15th. We knew you were indeed a little girl. We knew what hospital you were at. We knew you and your 1st Mommy were healthy. We rushed ahead holding our breaths and hoping beyond hope we could see and hold you soon.
A bit of bad luck when we made it to the hospital. There was another little newborn on your unit having major complications (we found this out later, as far as I know they ended up being fine) so we were unable to go in and see you for many, many hours after reaching the hospital. At the time we didn't know why and it was so frustrating to be so close and not be able to meet you. The second thing we found out, which about broke your brothers was, unlike the hospital Tayo was born in, this hospital absolutely did not allow anyone under the age of 12 in.
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| Sending love through the wall to you! |
Again, I pause in writing this as I relive those moments. You were so soft and so peaceful and I couldn't believe you were part of our family. I picked you up as I cried and whispered how much I loved you and I held you up for the boys to see. All I really wanted to do was walk out with you and home with you that moment. But hospital rules prevented that. Daddy got to come in and hold you and then we begrudgingly left you for the night with promises you'd be taken good care of by the night nurses and whispers to you that we would be back soon.
The next day we got physical custody and your big brothers got to touch and hold and kiss you for the first time. Again, I pause to wipe away tears with this memory. I can't think of this memory without recalling the first time Hartly lay eyes on Tayo and I witnessed love at fist sight. This happened again with you and your two big brothers. The difference was I got to see Tayo fall in love at first sight. This sibling attachment and bonding is by far my favorite part of being a Mother. Hartly, I believe as the oldest, held you in his arms first. But it was Tayo that night in the hotel room that quietly, sweetly and insistently requested he be allowed to fall asleep with you in his arms. And we let him and I captured it with a photo - his peaceful sleeping body next to your peaceful sleeping body with his little 5 year old arm gently over your whole tiny body. When it was time for your first feeding we gently untucked the two of you but honestly, your souls have been intertwined ever since.
A bit about you my girl as the days, weeks, months and almost a year followed... There are a few things I am sure of. One, you are fiercely and completely loved through and through by your 1st Mother. She is a beautiful and wonderful soul and she thinks of you everyday and loves you every moment. Secondly, your Daddy, brothers and I have a much better life than the awesome one we were living before because of you. That's right. Our life was great before you.... and it is crazy amounts better because of you.
Okay. Now you. You are amazing. Your name means Queen of the Faeries and it suites you perfectly. As we always say, "There are no princesses in our house, only Queens". And just like Faeries are pure magic, so are you! Lets begin with your physical milestones. You were pretty much born holding your head up solidly from day one. By 10 weeks you were rolling over!! You started crawling at 5 months and could pull yourself to standing and crawling up the stairs solo by 5 1/2 months. By 7 months you were scooting around on furniture and by 8 months you were walking while pushing toys and chairs around rooms. At 9 months, in Fajardo, Puerto Rico, you took your first solo steps. As I write this you are 10 days shy of a year and you can also run, dance, and jump. You graduated from Infant Resource Survival swim class (ISR) which is a 6-8 week long program and completed it in 5 weeks! (fastest ISR baby in this area for David who has been teaching ISR for 10+ years!). The boys call you Little Houdini because you're able to escape everything. You are my first child I have to put in a 5 point harness in your highchair because otherwise you climb up and try to climb out. You are also the first child we have had to get gates for because you undo or break or climb around or over every barricade we've tried to make. You aren't much for sign language (yet) but definitely know "fan", "music", "cheese" and "more." You babble and hum and chatter a LOT! But really only say "dada" and "Lexuh" clearly. Yup. You can say our computer Alexa's name before you can say, "mama." You are a wonderful sleeper and I can really only recall a handful of times over the past 11 months where you woke in the middle of the night, usually for teething... although you only have your two middle bottom teeth. You got those two at 8 months old. You love your "bunny bear" and are excited to get to cuddle and hold her at sleep times. I will say you only did 3 naps for a short period and shortly after that you dropped it down to only one nap. It's the rare occasion where you take a second nap. This is unusual for such a young child but its you.
You have gained a plethora of nicknames in your short time on earth: Buddha baby, Little Thing, Mini Mador, Tiana, Tati, Lady, Little Houdini, Sissy, Queen Tatiana (the boys often announce in deep voices when you enter the room, "All hail Queen Tatiana!!")… You are showered with words of affirmation daily. The boys tell you how clever, how smart, how strong, how pretty you are and no less than five times a day they tell you that they love you and you are the best and cutest baby there is. There is no shortage of love in your life.
You are the third child of a homeschooling family and there are pros and cons to this. You are often woken from naps, or skip them altogether because brothers have classes or playdates or there are errands to run. You are constantly doted on - Tayo starts each morning climbing into your crib with you. Hartly is sad if too many hours pass and he hasn't seen or hugged you. While they are slightly jealous of the love and attention I bestow upon you (which, lets be honest, is a lot), they are not upset with you about this and you are the love of their lives. They play with you, pick you up, carry you around and cuddle you constantly. You happily follow them around and love being near them.
You and Daddy - your Papa is as enamored with you as the rest of us. When he has had a particularly long or hard work day, he comes seeking you out for his arms. When he sees you, worry disappears and is replaced with an instant Tatiana smile. You greet him with a "dada!" and hug and smile whenever you see him. The two of you are definitely bonded.
Tatiana, you are one special soul. You are unique and so special. I've never met anyone like you. You have a very happy and calm temperament. You are go with the flow. But it is strange because you are not passive. You are always watching and exploring and can have the most pensive and serious expressions as you navigate the world around you. You also are quick to giggle and are often very expressive in your joy and happiness. You love music and often this is why you often yell out, "Lexuh" as you stare at the computer and start dancing, anxiously awaiting music to spill out... when it does you laugh and giggle and dance and sway. You like new people but mostly only like to be in Mommy or Tayo's arms, or near Hartly. You are very attached to me and I don't mind this at all. We have never owned a stroller and I wear you daily. When you aren't physically attached to me, which is often since you have been so mobile for so long, you often run back to me or check in on me frequently when playing. I get many hugs and squeezes and cuddles a day and I'm in heaven when you are slightly tired and reach for me as your thumb goes in your mouth (you gave up the pacifier once you found your thumb around 3 months) and your head nuzzles into my neck. In those moments I feel at home and gratitude pours out of my soul. How grateful, of all the families in the world, I am to be able to be with you and love you daily.
Since Hartly first made me a Mother there has been no truer saying than, the days are long but the years are short. I remember before you, but I feel like you were always there somehow... Many days with 3 children are long and tiring days. 3 kids is a lot of energy, a lot of personalities, a lot of impulses and a lot of attention needed. And I still find myself boggled with the passage of time because how can my last baby be about to turn one.
Tatiana Tomasena Manuel LLosa. I want you to know you are loved. I know that as a human you will face all sorts of emotions and highs and lows and challenges, this is inevitable. But through every milestone and every experience, may you always know you are loved completely. This is not based on your accomplishments or milestones or if you have a good day or bad or if you make good choices or bad ones. You are loved completely for your essence and your very being. While you as a human may occasionally act flawed, as all humans do, you yourself are flawless. You are perfection. There has never before, and there never will be another you. And I love you completely my sunshine. Happy Birthday.
